


What Happens When You Don't Take a Chance

by rowan_e



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Character Death In Dream, Closeted Character, Complete, Crying, Dark, Depressed Dan Howell, Depressing, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Existential Crisis, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, GET IT, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insanity, Insomnia, Inspired by Music, Jealousy, Just Friends, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, No Spoilers, Original Character(s), POV Third Person, Pain, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Dan Howell, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, YouTube, deep depression, i'm working out the kinks, no?, okay i'll stop, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:44:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9450770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowan_e/pseuds/rowan_e
Summary: Phil can’t sleep lately, and the only explanation was the useless romantic feelings he’d developed for his roommate and best friend, Dan Howell...Now that Phil knows what happens when you don’t take the chance, he realizes that lesson wasn’t meant for him





	1. What happens after hours

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda all a test, I have the whole story pretty much written and a possible sequel worked out, I'm in love with this story that I've been writing and I wanted to see what people thought of it, I really hope you love this.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Link above is a playlist for the fan fiction, it will be updated as the story is. The fan fiction is in third person but it's mostly from the eyes of Phil, each song represents what he's feeling not necessarily by lyrics but by the feeling the song gives off, and it shows how the events of the story effects Phil's mental health.

The new twinkle lights strung across his ceiling looked better in the dark.

 

Phil had been staring at them for what seemed like forever now from his bed, and he was pleased. He wasn’t sure what drove him to do some room decorating, but as his eyes scanned the room he decided it’d been a good idea. Boredom draped over him like a piece of thick heavy metal, so he let his hand instinctively find his phone that was sat charging on his bedside table. Pulling the charger out, he brought the phone to his face and turned it on, his eyes wincing at the sudden bright light but soon adjusting to it. His eyes trailed over to the big digital clock on the password screen. It read  _ 3:28 AM. _ He sighed, knowing no kind of sleep was going to come easy at this point, so he gave up trying. 

 

Phil had been having sleepless nights for quite some time now, and the only explanation was the useless romantic feelings he’d developed for his roommate and best friend, Dan Howell. Now you know the rest, Phil is the shy awkward friend who finally confesses his undying love for the other, they kiss and fall in love and the rest they say is histo- no. Not even slightly. Him and Dan will never ever work. Dan was straight, very straight. Though that’s only half of the reason why Phil would never try to go after Dan. They were best friends, and after doing it once despite how cliche it sounds, ruining friendships with romance just wasn’t Phil’s cup of tea. He didn’t even like tea all that much, he strongly preferred coffee with a shot of caramel and a hint of ‘Dan’s your only friend how about you don’t fuck this one up just cause your a dumbass that can’t keep his feelings to himself’. And as much as staying away from dan when he was so deeply in love with him hurt, that sentence was all he needed to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life, once more.

 

Remembering how he’d been shot down by his last best friend before he’d ever met Dan who he stupidly fell in love with made the itching pain in Phil’s chest grow stronger then it’d been 5 minutes ago, but still he ignored it and stared right into the light hoping the light would envelop his eyes and he’d go blind and never have to see a damn thing again, including Dan. 

 

He was probably being ungrateful, no he was for sure being ungrateful, by every meaning in the book his life was fantastic. He just couldn’t get passed this one small hiccup that drove him insane. Dan will never love him back and there’s nothing he can do about that. This has to be common right? Falling in love with the straight friend. He hoped that was a thing.

 

Phil sighed and felt bad for getting so worked up about this, he had people he loved and the people he loved had him. He was a youtuber, had been for as long as he could remember, couldn’t really imagine life without it, seeing as how it was how he met Dan. Youtube didn’t exactly affect everyday life (besides the occasional fan popping up to him and asking for a pic, which he liked a lot more then he didn’t) but it was still something to love and pour his heart into, plus making the videos he did were fun, and editing wasn’t ideal but he would and did take editing videos anyday over working in some office sitting at a desk and pushing papers around for living. So in other words his life was amazing.                                    

 

So why couldn’t he stop crying? Phil sighed and angrily wiped the hot tears off his cheeks then rolled out of bed, his legs and chest aching as if he’d done a 9 hour cardio. He stood, everything felt weak but he couldn’t take it anymore, he had to leave. Everything in this apartment he’d grown to know and love reminded him of Dan. Stains that he’d made, marks from inside jokes on the walls, Dans clothes always mixed in with his which never bothered anyone before, any piece of merch of theirs, hell it even  _ smelled  _ like Dan, he could inhale air and it felt like his lungs were on fire. He knew Dan was usually awake in the living room in his browsing position looking at memes around this time, but he couldn’t be bothered to care seeing as he felt like he was gonna have a panic attack if he didn’t leave the area. Dan’s door was slightly open when he quietly raced past it in his socks, a soft glow coming from the room meaning Dan had abandoned the living room and had gone to browse tumblr in possibly a more comfortable position.

 

Despite the fact that he would’ve gone regardless, he was still slightly relieved Dan wasn’t out there to pressure him and what not, though he still stayed quiet cause he knew Dan was still awake. 

 

Phil grabbed a his jacket that was lying on a chair in the dining room, then slipped some shoes on and went outside, sitting down on the few steps in front of the apartment doors and sighing. It was cold, he could see puffs of his breath in front of him but he didn’t care, anything was better then going back inside. What could make Phil forget about the only important thing in his life? Dan was driving him insane and no one knew, he’d never let anyone know and he didn’t even like to admit it to himself.

 

The city of London moved right before his eyes, noises still echoing from the town at 4:00 AM made Phil wonder what was going on. What really went on in the city after hours, the thought intrigued him in a way he couldn’t explain. 

 

Another sigh slipped through Phil’s lips knowing he’d have to go back into the apartment soon and face another day. What would he do tomorrow? Lie, smile, maybe film a video or something. It hurt to think of pretending to wake up, as if he’d been sleeping at all this night, then making breakfast and talking to Dan as if he only saw him as a best friend, as if seeing him didn’t make his heart skip a beat, as if his touch didn’t burn his skin no matter how platonic it was. Burying his face in his hands, he groaned softly once more before standing and walking back in, making his way into the living room as quietly as possible then returning to his room, taking off the shoes and jacket before turning a few dull lights on in his room and getting on his computer, hoping he could distract his mind to some extent online.

 

Dan and Phil, Dan Howell and Phil Lester, Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil, D&P, DanandPhilGAMES, Dan & Phil, D And P-

 

Everywhere, that’s all it ever was. Anywhere Phil was Dan was too no matter online or off and it was killing him. He shut his computer, there was no reason to put up with that. It might be hell when he was around Dan but he definitely didn’t have to pretend when he was alone. 

A hobby wouldn’t kill him, he knew that but what was he gonna do? He was sure there wasn’t anything he really could do that would take his mind off what was about to come. He looked at the clock on his phone. It now read  _ 4:56 AM.  _ He knew it was pointless but he could at least get some shut eye before this awful day began.

 

Tomorrow was really here now and all Phil could do was hurt, sinking into his soft bed and pillow and yet still somehow his whole body ached. ‘Today is another day’, what could possibly go wrong?

 

_ Now that Phil knows what happens after hours he decides to stop staying up late. _

  
  
  
  



	2. What happens when you distance yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil isn't sure he can take constantly being around Dan all the time, he knows he needs to make a change but what happens isn't exactly what he had in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Putting a second chapter on soon after the first so people have something to read seeing as the first chapter is kind of an intro to how the fanfic is gonna be. Anyways, i hope you like it!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Link above is a playlist for the fan fiction, it will be updated as the story is. The fan fiction is in third person but it's mostly from the eyes of Phil, each song represents what he's feeling not necessarily by lyrics but by the feeling the song gives off, and it shows how the events of the story effects Phil's mental health.

The outside world was too dull for Phil to handle. He couldn’t decide if he liked the gray sky and rainy weather, but didn’t really care in the end cause he hadn’t planned on leaving the house today, but still looking outside dulled his already softly sad mood.

 

He heard a bit of rustling outside and debated whether he really wanted to face Dan at the moment, cause he hasn’t been himself and Dan always seemed to pick up on things like that. Dan knew him too well, and that thought tickled his mind. He sighed then opted for being social so he didn’t worry anyone, and went outside to silence. 

 

He crept into the living room then saw Dan sitting on the couch looking at his computer. He turned his head and met Phil’s eyes with his and smiled.

 

_ God that smile _

 

“Hey, c’mere” he said making me raise an eyebrow, coming over to the couch and sit by him, keeping some distance which is something we didn’t normally make an effort to do.

 

“You were out when i filmed this, i wanted to show you before i uploaded, tell me if you like it” Dan said standing after hanging Phil the laptop. The video was played and Dan cringed very obviously, grabbing earphones and chucking them onto Phil

 

“Use these, i’ll start laughing at my own jokes and no one wants that” he said making Phil laugh softly before putting the earphones in and watching the video. It was a simple Dan video, him talking about a funny thing that’d happened to him which Phil had been there for, so remembering it and hearing about it was a nice way of seeing it.

 

After a while Phil stopped really paying attention to the video and just felt happy enough looking at Dan on the screen, not really trying to ignore his content but at one point he just couldn’t help it. Dan looked  _ beautiful  _ in this video, like seriously stunning. Phil began to wonder how he’d even compliment the video without at least mentioning how amazing he looked, but Dan was a naturally funny person so the videos quality wasn’t any harder or easier to compliment. 

 

After it ended Phil pulled the plugs out and gave a big grin to Dan which made his face light up.

 

“I love it, it’s hilarious” he said laughing even a bit watching Dan do a few things in the kitchen which he could only assume was making breakfast 

 

“Thanks, I wasn’t sure about the end bit but i’m sure it’s fine” Dan said but Phil was all too distracted by the fact that he was making breakfast for him. He couldn’t eat breakfast with Dan, he usually did but he needed some time away from him. Rejecting was hard but Phil couldn’t stand the idea of breakfast, his stomach turned at the thought.

 

“Oh uhm.. I’m not really hungry” he said, putting his hand on his neck and backing up making Dan look up from what he was doing.

 

“You’re not? Well i guess i can just make some for myself” he said looking down at the eggs already cooking in the pan as Phil gave a weak smile. He was gonna further explain but he needed to abandon this conversation before Dan saw right through it. He backed up a bit then walked out of the kitchen and back into his room, shutting the door. He didn’t wanna seem rude, but distancing himself was the best thing he could do. Everything Dan did made his heart flutter, and that wasn’t right. He couldn’t let things get complicated between them, when the world was ending the last stable thing was always supposed to be that Dan and Phil were still best friends and nothing could change that, especially not Phil.

 

Phil looked around his room then went into his closet and grabbed some new clothes, changing into them then putting his shoes on, grabbing a bag and filling with things he could possibly need. If he was gonna do this then he was gonna do it right, but there was no doubt in his mind that Dan would notice him being distant now since they rarely ever left the house without each other unless they had to.

 

He went out after getting ready to see Dan on the couch eating his just finished breakfast then made eye contact with Phil and gave a confused looked.

 

“You.. going somewhere?” he asked almost surprised to see since if they ever were going out alone they definitely knew about each others plans to do so.

 

“Yeah sorry, i just uh have some things to do” He said, a half-assed lie but it was all he could muster up to actually say. He hated seeing the slight sadness in Dan’s eyes mixed with worry just for something as little as Phil going out, but that was proof enough that they were together too much. He sighed then grabbed the house keys from the counter 

 

“I’ll be back later” he said, not giving Dan much time to ask further questions before leaving. He didn’t have much plans for what he was actually gonna do, maybe go into town and shop a bit or so to the cinema, but hell even the city of London still kept Phil’s mind on Dan. He decided to just wing it and see what happened.

 

**Time skip**

 

It was late. Had Phil meant to stay out this late, no, but a lot had happened from the time he left the apartment this morning. He’d done a lot, walked around town and just decided he wanted to keep going, but now it was almost 12 and he was at a bar, a stranger asking to buy him a drink. He decided to focus on the stranger instead of focusing on the millions of texts he’d gotten from Dan, him worried and calling, asking where Phil was.

 

“Sure” Phil said, his expression melting into a smile which by no means meant he was really happy at the moment. He knew there was only one thing that could make him happy, but he knew he’d never get that so he settled for the blonde sitting next to him at the bar.

 

He gave one last look at his phone before turning it off and shoving it in his pocket, deciding if he was gonna stay he here he sure as hell wasn’t gonna think about Dan.

 

Soon enough the blonde pushed shots his way with a grin on his soft pale face with a bit of scratches giving mystery to the man.

 

“My names Liam” the man said as Phil grabbed one of the shot glasses.

 

“Phil” he answered before knocking one back.

 

Then another

 

Then another

 

Then ano-

 

Dan was still up. He’d never gone to sleep and despite the fact that it was 4 in the morning he was this close to calling Phil’s parents in a heap of worry. He’d stare at his phone, wait for answer, text, text, wait then call. Nothing. He grabbed his phone and called again. It was ringing, so why wasn’t Phil picking up?

 

“Hello?” said a man on the other line after the call had finally been answered.

 

“Phil?” Dan asked, worried and confused since now he knew after really paying attention that the man that answered was in fact not Phil

 

“This is Lotterhouse pub, i’m a bartender here. This phone was on the ground.” he said making Dan frown. Phil was at a bar, what the hell? That doesn’t sound like Phil.

 

“Yeah, i’m looking for my friend Phil. Pale, black hair, tall and skinny” he said then heard a few chuckles from the bartender which only annoyed Dan more

 

“Oh yeah, your friend is here. He ran off with that blonde to the bathroom” he said making Dan almost freeze. That couldn’t mean what Dan was assuming here, not Phil, no way. Phil cared about what happened, he didn’t do dumb irrational things like get drunk and-

 

“Do you want me to get him?” the bartender asked interrupting his thoughts, making Dan even more frustrated

 

“Yes!” he snapped like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which to Dan it was. He frowned as he heard loud background noise of the bar which made his stomach turn. LotterHouse, that didn’t even sound familiar. He had no clue where Phil had gone or why, when Phil was leaving he’d barely made eye contact with him, was Phil mad at him? The more Dan thought about it the more he realized that It’d been like this for a while now, this morning with the video usually never happened but he assumed Phil was just held up in his room obsessed with a book or video game. He sighed and payed attention to the noise, hearing a loud laugh in the background, it sounded familiar but at the same time it sounded like a complete stranger, then a while after the bartender got back on the phone

 

“Alright he’s here. Your friends fine, he’s going home with someone so he’ll be fine” he said making Dan’s blood feel cold as ice.

 

“What? No, stick him in a cab and send him to my address” he said making the bartender sigh and laugh

 

“Look dude, I’m not his fucking babysitter. There leaving soon, i’m sticking his phone in his pocket and sending him on his way” he said and Dan felt like he was about to blow up, he was now running around the house trying to find shoes or anything that made him even able to leave the house.

 

“No! Fuck just- please don’t” Dan stuttered, hot tears brimming his eyes, daring to escape but Dan wouldn’t let them. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling this way, he didn’t even know it was possible all he knew was he was frustrated.

 

“There’s Phil.. his pocket. Take it and give it to the cab driver” he said, practically begging. Where was this coming from? Dan didn’t know but he was desperate for Phil to come home. The bartender sighed 

 

“You’re really a pain man. What is this your boyfriend?” He said making Dan glare at the ground

“What? No why the hell would you assume that” he said, fed up with how slow he was being and getting worried Phil had already left

 

“Cause your friend is at a gay bar and you’re being too overprotective for just a friend” He said as Dan stopped in his tracks. Gay bar? Since when the hell was Phil gay? Not that he has a proble- no he had a huge problem. Phil was with a guy? Dan couldn’t even begin to explain why that made it a million times worse.

 

“Here’s the thing, I don’t want your cash and i’m not gonna ruin this guy’s night, he looks like he hasn’t had this much fun in years. It’s last call soon so either get your ass up here or their going home together.” the bartender said right before the line dropped, not giving Dan enough time to argue

 

“Wha- hello?!” Dan called into the phone before realizing he’d hung up on him, and in a fit of anger chucked his phone across the room yelling.

 

“FUCK” then bending down and slipping his other shoe on, grabbing his jacket and house key then leaving. 

 

On the way Dan had to look for instructions but he didn’t let that slow him down, and to not look like a weirdo running from his life he made it look like he was going for a midnight job which was a laugh for Dan.

 

Finally Dan got there, seeing in front of the doors Phil with some other guy practically under him, lips attached and only breaking apart for long moans to escape. Dan wasn’t able to react at first, then he was. He stormed up and ripped them apart, making two drunk horny guys really mad, but one more confused than angry 

 

“What the fu- Dan?” he questioned angrily before it was too late, Dan’s fist was already being chucked into the blondes face.

 

“Dan! What the hell?!” a still slightly drunk but very angry Phil yelled at him making Dan turn towards him.

 

“What the hell me? What about you, who the fuck is that? What are you even doing here?” Dan yelled back as the man on the ground groaned. Dan stuck his arm out to flag a taxi down, then opened the doors, grabbing drunk Phil and pulling him in the car as he got in as well, resisting but not for long.

 

The drive home was silent. The smell of alcohol and another man was doused over Phil making Dan’s stomach turn. He looked out the window, watching the city go by as they drove. He didn’t bother to ask himself why he’d tried so hard to get Phil home, he didn’t want to know why, he didn’t care right now.

 

The car pulled to a stop, Dan paying the cab driver and both of them silently getting out of the taxi and going up to the door, unlocking the door and going in the apartment, Phil following right behind. Phil’s vision was blurry, small tear build up mixed with still being drunk, the stairs were a bit of a challenge but he wasn’t very vocal about it. He felt like he was supposed to be mad at Dan, but instead he was sad as if he’d made Dan mad.

 

They both reached the top and dropped all their things on the couches before Dan made eye contact with Phil and sighed.

 

“I.. i’m sorry” he said making Phil look off to the side.

 

“Me too” he said, thinking of sitting down but knowing that wasn’t something he could really do at the moment, he needed to get out of here more than he’d needed to this morning.

 

“Do you wanna watch some anime? Forget about this stupid night?” He said cause Dan really did want to forget. He wanted to forget how frustrated he felt knowing Phil was touching someone else, he wanted to forget how Phil looked when he was angry, he wanted to forget the noises Phil was drawing out of the other man, he most of all wanted to forget the coldness between them on the way home.. But Phil didn’t want to forget. To him, he was doing everything right now, so Phil shook his head.

 

“I’m good. I’m just gonna go think” he said then grabbed his stuff and left no trace behind, going back to his room leaving Dan with an empty feeling, still feeling a big distance between the both of them, and he didn’t like it.

 

Phil didn’t either.

 

As he laid in his bed, getting ready to go to sleep he thought to himself about the adrenaline of kissing a complete stranger. Then he thought about how different and sad his life felt like when Dan wasn’t there, what if Dan hadn’t been worried and taken him home? If he kept staying so distant it might be like that the next time.

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when you distance yourself, he decides he liked it better just being close _


	3. What happens when you try normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tries normal again, and he isn't sure if he likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this! I don't have a specific schedule so I'm just posting these as I go, I have the entire plot planned out so writing it shouldn't take long, expect updates frequently!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Spotify Fan fic playlist ^ request songs if think they'd fit. All songs on here give you an example of the feel this fanfiction is supposed to have (also there songs i just totally recommend you listen to them). I'll update it as i post chapters.

Phil opened his eyes, them immediately falling on the lights above his head that were not lit at the moment, but that wasn’t bothering him. The incident with Liam, the man he’d met at the bar, was old news now. Dan and Phil hadn’t ever really talked about that night, since there wasn’t really much to say about it, but nevertheless they’ve said nothing of it. Everything had settled since then, everything was just fine around the apartment between them.

 

It was back to normal, but Phil didn’t like the sound of that. It sounded like no drama, but it also sounded like heart pounding, long and alone nights, stealing looks when no one could see you. The thought made Phil’s head hurt, could he really swing normal again? Maybe if he destroyed what he and Dan then he could build up something new, but what if he couldn’t build up from that?

 

It was a lot to think about, being normal was hard, but Dan not even in his life anymore? Maybe pretending everything was normal was worth it. 

 

He sighed, and shrugged getting out of his bed. Maybe normal was something he could do, it’d be hard, he knew it would be but maybe in the long haul it’d be worth it, he wasn’t sure if he could risk his friendship with Dan over some stupid feelings he had for him, no he was going to pretend everything was fine until it really was fine, he knew it’d work. With that last thought, Phil got off the bed and started to get ready so he could make some breakfast for him and Dan, a reminder in the morning that peace still echoed through the hallways of their shared flat.

 

As mentioned before, Dan and Phil hadn’t really spoken about that night since it’d happened, but that didn’t mean they hadn’t thought about it. It was pretty much the only thing on Dan’s mind lately, though he couldn’t tell you why if you asked him. 

 

As freaked out with himself as he’d been, reacting that way to Phil being with someone, he ended up being more freaked out by the memory of how Phil had really been acting that night. Dan shook his head a little, the thought usually ended up with some weird conclusion that he wasn’t ready to face so early in the day so he discarded it from mind as quickly as the door opened from down the hall, Phil coming into the open soon after to see Dan on the couch with a mug full of coffee in his hand, a small smile on Phil’s face.

 

Dan’s heart sunk. He knew his best friend more than anyone on the planet, and it hurt him knowing Phil was giving Dan a fake smile, but he didn’t know why. Were things not good between them?

 

“You made coffee?” he asked, looking at the fresh hot mug tucked in his hands as Dan was stationed in front of his laptop. He nodded a bit

 

“On the counter, just washed some mugs” Dan said and noticed a genuine smile form on Phil’s face at that, which made Dan melt. Of course coffee would make the poor guy smile. He wanted to know what was on Phil’s mind but he was a little too kept to himself right now to have the drive to dig into others business.

 

Phil walked off to the kitchen and Dan resumed what he was working on, which was planning for a new video he was about to start making. He took a short skip of his hot coffee then placed it on the side table next to the couch, a faint noise of Phil humming while pouring his coffee, the sounds making Dan’s heart glow with warmth. A smile made it’s way onto Dan’s face, things were normal again and he loved it, he knew it wouldn’t last his lifetime but he loved waking up in the same house as Phil, it made the house warm.

 

Things were normal again and he hated it. Phil sighed, blowing softly onto his steaming coffee and occasionally humming to take his mind off of Dan. He was starting to forget how they normally were. What did they do in the mornings? They’d usually eat, and watch anime together, but Phil wasn’t hungry, he rarely was lately and he didn’t think he could do anime right now, so he continued to blow softly on the hot coffee in a lame attempt to cool it off and take the sip every now and them.

 

Dan smiled then pushed his computer off to the side, jumping off the couch and running to the kitchen with all his new found energy at finishing planning his next vlogging video. He walked into the kitchen seeing Phil leaning against the counter and holding his mug, looking off into the distance like he was staring at a sunset.

 

‘Woah’ Dan thought looking at look who looked like a model. He had an amazingly handsome friend, and it wasn’t weird that he thought that, he just knew it was the truth why fight it. He just suddenly couldn’t get that thought out of his head.

 

“Hey” Dan said, seeming kind of lost in his thoughts which made Phil frown softly in nothing other than confusion.

 

“You.. okay?” Phil asked, leveling with Dan and raising an eyebrow, wondering why Dan was acting the way he was. Soon after the question Dan snapped back into reality and nodded.

 

“Yeah sorry, I had this cool idea for a video but I need your help making it” Dan said and Phil sighed, biting his lip. He knew normal Dan and Phil could easily film a youtube video together, and he knew he was trying his best to do normal but he couldn’t help but feel like this would kill him.

 

“Sure” he said, trying not to make it seem like he hesitated though saying yes to that might’ve been the hardest thing he’s ever done. Even looking up into Dan’s big brown eyes during a regular conversation killed him inside, the deeper he looked into them the more he swore he could physically feel him falling deeply in love with Dan, and he didn’t know if he could take that anymore.

 

Crap, Dan had been talking this whole time and Phil hadn’t been listening to a word, and he still wasn’t listening. Where did he look? Everytime he looked at any of Dan he felt a bigger and bigger urge to grab him and kiss him, but he knew life just didn’t work like that, not real life anyways. Sure he could always dream, but the truth is he couldn’t even call Dan his ‘what if?’ cause the whole reason he avoided confessing his love to Dan is cause he was too scared to really find out the ‘what if?’.

 

Maybe it was a cop out, maybe he was to chicken to do anything but Phil knew he’d continue to do anything to keep peace between him and Dan, no matter the cost.

 

“You there?” Dan asked, waving a hand in Phil’s face, snapping him out of his deep thoughts and making his cheeks turn a bit pink.

 

“Y-yeah sorry” he said looking down back into his coffee mug, Dan giving a weak smile at how unfocused Phil was.

 

“Maybe we should film it tomorrow, you look a little worn down. How about today instead we just relax and play video games, huh?” he said making Phil smile, loving how thoughtful his best friend could be. He sighed and nodded a bit

 

“Usually I’d protest but that doesn’t really sound all that bad. Thanks Dan” He said smiling lovingly his way. Maybe he could really do normal, normal was starting to seem not all that bad.

 

Man would he regret thinking that.

 

Dan walked into the lounge and started chewing on his lip, looking around the living room. Despite what was going on between both of their heads, Dan and Phil cared about each other and if they were good at anything it was being a good friend. Phil was upset right now, Dan didn’t know why or really how he knew but he just did, so now it was automatically his job to take care of Phil and make him feel better, no matter what the cost may be. Then he got an idea. 

 

Dan ran into the laundry room and pulled out the fresh warm clothes, remembering he’d just washed some pajamas then pulled out a pair for Dan and Phil, giving them at random since they shared clothes so much Dan couldn’t even remember who bought the pajamas to begin with, then made his way into his room. He pulled his clothes off quickly and changed into the pajamas then looked around, grabbing all the blanket or bed related items and moving them into the living room, laying them out perfectly just as Phil walked into the living room, a confused look on his face.

 

“Uh, Dan?” he asked, confusion laced his question and maybe a little bit of worry. Dan looked over his way and gave a big grin, grabbing the pajamas he’d gotten for Phil and tossing them at him, Phil catching them which a puzzled look.

 

“Put em’ on” he said then looking away, clearly giving no more answer than that so Phil took his word for it and left to go put on the clothes. 

 

When he came back Dan was on the blanket and pillow fort covered floor in front of the tv, some game controllers in his hand.

 

“I don’t know what’s going on or why you’re upset, but you’re my best friend and i can’t stand seeing you this upset” Dan said making Phil’s heartache, no one had ever and would ever care for him like Dan did and that hurt Phil cause someday he would leave and Phil would be all alone, but he couldn’t seem to think of that right now, so he joined him and decided to make the best out of this.

 

They played video games and watched movies long into the night, gradually getting closer and more comfortable as they played, and for a second that was okay for the both of them but someone had to know that wouldn’t last forever.

 

Phil caught Dan’s eye and his heart clenched. Lips curled into smiles, dimples showing happiness shining brighter than ever making Phil’s heart glow. How could someone be that perfect? Phil hated himself for thinking this way, but it was killing him and he wasn’t sure if pretending things were fine was the right way to deal with it. Every bone muscle and brain cell in his body was telling him to kiss Dan, but they’d been having a good night so Phil looked away, he couldn’t be tempted like that, it was really starting to hurt.

 

Dan caught Phil’s eye and his breath hitched. Vivid flashbacks of the incident played in his mind like a broken record, replaying every single scene right down to the detail of how empty and sad Phil had looked before leaving and how crushed he’d seemed that Dan was saving him again from the horrible night he’d been having as if Phil’s dreams of getting over something were crushed.

 

_ Or someone. _

 

Dan mentally cursed himself for thinking that way, though he couldn’t help it. It didn’t make sense, but at the same time it did, though he wasn’t sure what that’d even mean for himself seeing as he was straight.

 

_ Sigh _

 

Yeah, Dan was straight.

 

Though he couldn’t answer why a lingering feeling tugged on the back of his brain like an annoying kid tugging on his moms shirt asking to have a quarter for a claw machine. He was straight, but it was easy to feel like dating Phil would make things easier. He wouldn’t have to experience seeing Phil make out with a random stranger like the blonde man he’d never gotten an explanation for. 

 

Dan ignored the voice in the back of his head asking why that made him so mad to begin with cause he felt the answer was obvious but he knew it wasn’t that easy. He looked at Phil and tried to see how he felt, though the answer was something he hadn’t expected. Safeness, Phil made him feel safe which was something he’d never seemed to feel until he’d met Phil. His family was nice, but something else. They didn’t support gay rights which made Dan furious cause.. How could you not support that? 

 

Phil was Dan’s best friend. They were best friends, they laid together and shared a flat, cooked meals for each other and went out of there way to extremes to make each other feel happy, they’d go on vacation together and worked together, sometimes shared a bed together and wore each other’s clothes and never not enjoyed each other’s company even if for some unspoken reason it killed them, and all of that was normal, right?

 

So why didn’t bestfriend sound right anymore?

 

Dan didn’t know why he was thinking so hard about this, when he thought too hard about things it made things difficult and if there was one thing Dan hated it was when things were difficult, and for the first time Dan was starting to think being normal between them was starting to get kind of hard.

 

The night ended early a little after that, and Phil was grateful. He knew Dan was trying to cheer him up, and he loved him for that but he loved him for many other reasons and in many other ways and all of that at once was just too much.

 

Pain washed over Phil as he sat on his bed, head staring at the ground. If he couldn’t even have a regular video game filled afternoon with Dan, what could he do? What was life going to be like now that everything was changing? And was he ready for everything to change?

 

A nasty case of so many questions and not even one damn answer, them again there was no one he could even ask. Well that wasn’t true, there was one person and he’d been struggling with the idea of contacting him again. Maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea, Dan didn’t seem to really like him that much and maybe it’d make him and Dan drift apart, but he was starting to think that was what needed to happen.

 

He got on his phone, going threw his contacts until he found one that sparked his interest. ‘Liam’. He clicked on said name and thought of what to say before starting to type.

 

‘Hey - It’s Phil the guy from Lotterhouse pub, don’t know if you remember me’ 

 

‘You wanna hang out sometime?’ He sent then bit his lip and sighed, putting his phone down and flopping the rest of his body down onto his bed and staring up at the ceiling with lights across them. 

 

Dan, his best buddy in the world was falling out of his life and being replaced with Dan, the cute adorable smart reliable perfect mate in his life, the guy always next to him no matter where he went and would be perfect boyfriend material if he didn’t have a huge thing for vagina. If he kept hanging out with Dan and pretending everything was normal then Dan would start to realize how different things are now, and he might lose him for good. 

 

He felt his phone vibrate and he just knew it was Liam, but he’d save that text for later, he didn’t want to see it just yet. He let his eyes close, longing to end this what turned out to be really shitty day, and hoped tomorrow would be a least kind of better.

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when you try to be normal, he decides he isn’t gonna try again. _


	4. What happens when your luck runs out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has news, and Phil's beyond screwed which is something he knows, but now he's verging on depressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really love all the feedback i'm getting! I'm so happy people are liking this, i'm hoping to update as frequently as possible cause I myself hate huge cliffhangers, plus I already have the whole story plotted out so I'm just so excited to see if you guys like it.
> 
> Anyways i'm rambling, enjoy the chapter!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> The song I put in the chapter (See these bones) can be found in the spotify playlist link above (works in a browser without downloading spotify)
> 
> Oh and also maybe a sexual warning? Eh probably not, but if you hate smut and all that it stands for just maybe skip a few paragraphs in the dream scene.  
> And if sadness is triggering don't even read this or pretty much anything I write ever.

Dan looked through the comments of agony and despair and knew he couldn’t put it off forever, he had to finally get to filming his new video today. If his fans had any idea what was going on in his life right now then they’d understand why Dan hadn’t been filming anything lately, but he couldn’t possibly blame them for that seeing as it’s Dan’s fault for never telling his fans what was going on.

 

He’d just never exactly been one to share that much with anyone, he had always been a really personal private person which usually started back when he lived with his parents. Every time he told them anything it felt it’d be used against him at some point and that annoyed him to no end. Either way he’d had a lot on him lately with Phil and.. Other things.

 

Dan went into his room and got a bunch of camera things set up, he was gonna need Phil for this but the normal was driving him insane and he wasn’t sure why. In this story Dan unknowingly played the clueless straight friend so wasn’t normal something Dan was supposed to want? If he didn’t want normal with Phil, what did he want? He didn’t know the answer, or maybe he did and he wasn’t gonna let himself go there. Nevertheless he had a video to film with or without Phil, so he chose without and started the camera and began filming.

 

Dan’s videos were always loud, and the first words he heard Phil knew Dan was filming his video. He knew originally Dan had needed Phil for a skit part in the video, but if he hadn’t told him before filming the normal part then he knew that wasn’t a thing that was happening anymore, the only question was why. I mean it made sense that Phil was avoiding Dan, the whole being in love thing didn’t exactly make life easy for him when it came to Dan, but why was Dan avoiding Phil. Had the last few days really been that bad for them?

 

He sighed then continued what he was doing which was playing another mindless app that he was awful at, but he knew at this point the game wasn’t going to distract him from what was going on in his mind. If it’d been months ago, or maybe years ago he might’ve just asked Dan why he decided he didn’t need him anymore all of a sudden, because even though he’d been in love with Dan for as long as he could remember he’d never felt is as intensely as he had these past years, and it just wasn’t helping anyone.

 

He wished he could be normal, he wished he could just say ‘screw the feelings’ and go back to being Dan’s best buddy and have everything be normal, but if things were so obviously different that Dan felt it without even knowing Phil was in love with him, then it had to be a lot worse then he’d thought before.

 

Phil was feeling kind of bored so he went out, passing Dan’s room, the door closed but still being able to hear him right through the walls as if he weren’t there. Dan always got really loud and expressive when making a video, it’s what made him a really good Youtuber. Phil liked that about Dan, he tried to do that but mostly he ended up just sounding like normal him telling a story, which maybe wasn’t a bad thing considering he was being more real, but he didn’t want to be real he wanted to be interesting, or maybe a mixture of both. It’d sure help if his real self was already interesting, which he didn’t seem to think so despite what anyone told him.

 

Okay so maybe filming a video wasn’t something Dan could do at the moment, he had other things on his mind. He’d stopped talking to the camera and let his attention flee from the task. This was something a little new, but he wasn’t gonna forget about it now cause he liked to give things a chance right?

 

_ You’re doing this to avoid Phil. _

 

No he wasn’t, right? What would any of what he was doing have to do with Phil.

 

_ You’re kidding right? _

 

Obviously a misunderstanding. Phil would be happy about this, plus him and phil were only-

 

_ Only what? _

 

Only.. Friends.

 

_ You hesitated. _

 

No he didn’t. He didn’t hesitate. Him and Phil were best friends, nothing wrong with that sentence.

 

_ Don’t play dumb. _

 

What’s there to play dumb about?

 

_ So you’re telling me Phil isn’t the reason that you ran off and got a girlf- _

 

Girlfriend. Dan had a girlfriend, or not really it was mostly just a girl he was talking to, nothing was official but that’s the jist of it. His mind liked to fight with him, but as in denial as Dan was he did nothing about it and avoided listening to his own mind, continuing his text to a brunette named Lucy.

 

She was nice.

 

_ Nice, really? That’s all you have to say about your so called girlfriend. _

 

Oh shut up would you? Yeah, she was nice and Dan stood by that thought. He didn’t really know that much about her, but that was fine cause he didn’t have any other romance in his life so giving this a chance wouldn’t kill him.

 

And there wasn’t anything else to say about this, though he wasn’t sure how he’d tell Phil. He considered not telling him for a while, but he didn’t really see any reason not to, so he decided he would later. After that final thought Dan put his phone away and went back to filming his video.

 

Phil’s dream the previous night had been one to remember, but now it was one he couldn’t forget. Flashes of what happened replayed in his head, everything had been so vivid and realistic. He needed to forget of the events that occurred, so he made his way back into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He returned to his bed, flopping on it and shoving earphones in his ears and letting a song play 

 

**See These Bones - Nada Surf**

 

Phil was floating. Darkness surrounded every inch of his body. It was like he was floating in space, but there were no stars leading the way of what was up and what was down, and there was one problem, he couldn’t move. Phil moved, but he couldn’t move himself. He could feel, but everything was numb on his body, and the more he tried to feel the more he realized it felt like he was levitating up very slowly rather than just floating.

 

What did love mean to him? That question echoed through every action he made, clouds of darker black seeping in and out of the corners in this dark abyss, and his lungs hurt. 

 

Love meant pushing everything aside and doing whatever is best for them, even if it hurt you to no end. It meant doing the noble thing and not always telling them, it meant being the hero but not wanting to be looked at like the hero. It wasn’t brownie points he was earning, it was knowing that Dan was happy, that was the only thing that drove him to do what he did every single day.

 

But what did love mean to Dan?

 

Suddenly, he wasn’t floating, things faded into what looked like a grassy ground Phil was laying on. He was looking up into the night sky, stars sprinkled all across the black like cities on a map. The grass was taller, it went higher than Phil’s chest which slowly rose and fell along with his breathing. He was in a park. Everything was silent besides the soft noises of nature at night and the background squeak of the swing nearby, Dan on it swinging softly with no intention of actually trying to swing. 

 

No words were passed between them, they just enjoyed the silence because at the time it was enough for them. Then soon, it wasn’t enough.

 

Phil didn’t notice it until he did, but he was crying. It started slow, but tears were soon rolling down the Phil’s temples on both sides and reaching his hair, but he wasn’t done there. His breathing became ragged, short silent hiccups, trying to catch his breath as more tears built up and fell from his icy blue eyes and ran down his soft white skin that made him look like winter itself. He tried, but he couldn’t stop. His eyes squeezed shut, soft dreading squeaks and short lived sobs that Phil tried to stop came from the back of his throat sounding struggled. It wasn’t much, Phil made sure of that, but it was enough to get Dans attention.

 

A soft sigh escaped his lips, making a face of sorrow for the man on the ground as if this wasn’t the first time he’d found the man lost in an ocean of his own tears. He slowed the calm swinging to a stop, letting his feet touch the ground then stood off the swing and walked over to Phil who was in tears, Dan almost crying at the sight himself. 

 

Dan sunk to the ground as well, his knees landing on both sides of Phil’s legs, and his hands falling to both sides of Phil’s head shortly after leaving Phil trapped between Dan and the rich soil beneath him.

 

Dan looked at him, his heart breaking seeing Phil cry in such ways. He shook his head softly, bringing his head lower and closer to Phil’s

 

“Shhh” a calm noise he made almost begging Phil to stop crying, the painfully slow way Dan was leading his head closer to Phil’s not stopping until the distance between them was too small to even attempt to measure, that alone making Phil’s once panicked breaths slow down into something a lot more calm, though his heart raced like a train.

 

Phil’s eyes were blurry from the cursed tears but he saw Dan’s brown eyes more clearly than anything, especially now. The rest of the world seemed to fade into the black abyss he once found himself lost in, but he didn’t care about the darkness or the rest of the world. Phil didn’t care about the trees or the stars or the beauty found in the deepest darkest parts of the ocean or across galaxies and deep into hearts of the universe and solar systems, no. None of it held a candle to the beauty he was looking at. Dan was close, so close. Phil could see every line, every spot and every shade of every color used in the makings of Dan’s face. He could see every original detail and every shade of brown mixed into eyes that could only ever belong to Dan. He could see the worry in Dan’s expression, the love in his eyes and the goodness in his soul, it made Phil melt.

 

“It’s okay” Dan whispered before officially closing the gap between them, lips gently touching was enough flame to set fire to Phil’s heart. It was innocent but sacred, the soft loving feeling of Dan’s lips pressed to his drove Phil to a point of insanity with love, but when it went past lips Phil couldn’t help but sob at the feeling. Tasting Dan was like traveling back in time, and suddenly he was in his early 20’s again, falling so deeply in love with this person, this boy, this dorky  _ idiot _ that he felt like he’d seen the entire world at it’s finest. 

 

Dan’s scent seeped into his nose, breathing and tasting was all too much for him. Tongue daring to push past and explore the uncharted areas. Their tastes swirled and mixed, Phil’s head was spinning. The way Dan’s lips curled was enough to put a man in a coma. Every part of Phil’s body was on fire and was pressed against Dan’s body making a warmth hotter than lava spread across a lower area that’d be rude to talk about in public. Phil couldn’t think, he couldn’t catch his breath. Every sturdy part of him, every stabled thought, every tight knot was all coming loose and undone, and there was nothing he could do to stop it, but eventually Dan stopped it for him. 

 

The kiss ended, lips being ripped apart like a dream or desire coming back to reality. Breath’s came out in pants and hot puffs, cheeks flushed and minds clouded with undying love, and looking into Dan’s eyes again one more time he really knew everything was okay.

 

When Phil had woken up from that dream it broke him up inside like a shattered mirror. He was in love. He was so deeply in love he didn’t know what to do with himself. Phil sobbed then, and he sobbed now, ripping his earphones out just as the song had ended as well. He cried, his voice strained and in panic knowing he’d never get what he needed at this point. He couldn’t stop crying, his face now covered in the dampness of his own sorrow but now in the cruel reality there was no one to stop him and tell him it was okay.

 

There was no Dan to stop him and tell him it was okay, because it really wasn’t okay. Dan, dan, dan. He needed him. He needed to touch him, hold him, he needed-

 

He needed to get out of here now, but he couldn’t because he just couldn’t stop crying. His head fell into his bed as the sobs continued and showed no signs of stopping.

 

Was the world really this cruel. It couldn’t be, there was no way.

 

But now from inside Dan’s bedroom there was a tension of nervous in the air, getting ready to tell Phil the big news that for some reason he dreaded. So maybe the whole story was one he couldn’t tell yet, and maybe the truth was something he wasn’t going to admit to anyone, especially himself but every part of his body told him not to.

 

It was fueled by fear, worry, and maybe anger.

 

And maybe two people were deeply in love with each other but it was something they couldn’t reach yet. And why?

 

_ Hit after hit after hit. It stung. _

_ “Fag” “Freak” “Pointless” “Disgusting”  _

_ Every single word was said with so much hate and power that spit sprayed the air, and sometimes Dan’s skin. When the two made contact, it stung more than anything _ .

 

And why. And all the regret and doubt left Dan’s mind remembering who he was. He was Dan. He was straight. He had a girlfriend named Lucy and he was about to tell his friend that. And he was fine.

 

He was fine.

_ I’m fine. _

 

Now by the time his legs that felt like lead made there way to Phil’s room, the pained sobs had stopped so when Dan entered there were no signs of anything that’d just happened.

 

“Hey Dan, what’s uhm.. What’s wrong?” Phil asked, his voice cracked and weak but Dan chose not to ask why which might’ve been a mistake.

 

“Oh, nothing” Dan said, a smile creeping onto his face which made sense cause he was suppo- because he was happy about the news he had.

 

“But i do have news” He said, looking at the ground, moving shyly like a schoolgirl talking to her crush, Phil raising an eyebrow like he was questioning the news without saying a word.

 

“So I met this girl”

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when your luck runs out, he decides to believe in luck a little more seeing as he could use it right about now. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw I edit these as best as I can but I'll be honest I'm pretty crap at editing so if I messed up sorry.


	5. What happens when that sick feeling won't leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's luck runs out when Phil meet's Lucy, Dan's new girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super hyped about this one, dunno it's okay just not that much happens. Anyways hope you like it!
> 
> (The next one will be a lot more eventful promise)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Spotify playlist for the fanfic ^ i updated it 
> 
> Also i got ahead of myself and wrote 3 chapters of a new fanfic I've been thinking of, but I'm gonna finish this before posting any new things. Also i keep changing the tags cause i can't make up my mind on how i want this to end, i have like 2 main ideas.

“I’m scared if i swing to high i’ll fall off, and get hurt.” Phil said, Dan’s expression fell into a sad smile. He stood and walked in front of Phil, cupping Phil’s cheek in his hand that made his heart glow.

 

“I’d never let that happen to you”

 

Phil woke with a start. He didn’t know why he kept having dreams like so but he didn’t know if he entirely liked them. They were always in a park, the same park with the same grass, well no sometimes it was different, but the swings were always the same and Dan was always there and something always happened. Yet anything that happened in those dreams were easier to endure then what happened yesterday.

 

_ “She’s nice and funny, we met not that long ago and I really think you’re like her. She’s beautiful” Dan said getting carried away with his continued talk about Lucy. _

 

_ “She’s hilarious and loves the exact same thing i love which is great cause it’s not always common. She’s thin and as tall as me, her eyes are are like an arctic ocean and her hair is black and short but it’s soft and i love running my hands threw it though she doesn’t let me anymore” he trailed on with Phil barely listening, his stare vacant and empty. _

 

_ “Phil.. you okay?” Dan asked Phil who looked up at him. He’d tear up, he’d cry, but the truth was he didn’t have any of that left in him. He was all cried out so now all he felt was pain. _

 

_ “Of course” he said then put everything he had into a forced smile, feeling awkward even letting it go on without caving and letting him know that he was dying inside. _

 

_ “She sounds amazing Dan” Phil said before he could say nothing else on the matter. How could he? He was watching the love of his life get whisked way by some other girl who he barely even knew, though he didn’t know if knowing who she was could possibly make this situation any better. _

 

_ “She is” he said with a smile brighter than he’d seen in awhile which hurt Phil to no end, but he remained happy for his friend. _

 

He hated it, he hated everything about it. He hated how Dan looked when he talked about her, he hated how he had to be nice and pretend everything was fine when it never really was. He hated that he kept having dreams about things happening that’d never actually happen. For the first time Phil didn’t like one single part of his life but seeing as he was doing his dream job he knew that feeling wouldn’t last long.

 

**Time skip**

 

Phil had agreed to wait and eat a civilized breakfast with his giddy ‘in love’ friend, but he regretted it faster than he thought he would.

 

“You wanna see a picture of her?” Dan asked and started bringing his phone out before Phil could even begin to think of a response fitting for that, but maybe it was for the best since he was this close to yelling no. He watched Dan fiddle with his phone for a minute before reaching across the dining table and showing Phil the picture

 

“She’s really pretty” Phil said but his attention soon diverted to just one small detail about the girl in the picture

 

Phil frowned. She was pretty and looked nice, there was no doubt about that but-

 

“Dan this girl has long hair.. and brown” He said in confusion as to how Dan had described her but before Dan could say anything he stood

 

“Oh, speak of the devil, she’s calling. Give me a minute” Dan said stepping out of the room and into his, talking to the girl on the other line.

 

If life was going to be like this from now on Phil didn’t know how much longer he could last. He just thanked god Dan hadn’t brought this girl to their home yet, for any reason. The possibility of reasons made Phil have a sick feeling in his stomach, and with that breakfast was over.

 

He didn’t bother talking to Dan much after that, and mostly just kept to himself in his room on his computer, editing a video he was about to post. He hadn’t done a liveshow or posted a video in forever, and he rarely tweeted so people were just starting to get worried about him at this point, so filming and putting together a new video seemed like the least he could do, plus it took a lot of his time up.

 

Dan hung the phone up and sighed. Every conversation with her made his stomach hurt. He liked her, she was sweet but he had nothing else to say about her beyond that.

 

No.. that’s not right.

 

Dan really liked her, she just gave him butterflies like they always talked about in books and movies, that’s all. No he liked her, like a lot. Hell he might even be falling in love with this girl, they’d been dating for a few weeks now that’s a normal time to fall in love with a girl, right? No why was he questioning he knew, he normally fell in love with girls.

 

No wait that sounds weird, he doesn’t normally fall in love that’s what makes Lucy so special. There, boom nailed it.

 

Dan sighed, why was it so hard for him to be normal?

 

After posting the video everyone, like everyone was going on about how sad Phil looked. Sad? Really?

 

Phil got up and looked into a mirror and then he noticed it. He’d lost weight, like a lot. He had circles under his eyes but they weren’t very obvious. He looked dirty and depressed, but he knew that wasn’t true right?

 

Phil waited for a few minutes to let all of that process before flopping back onto his bed and groaning. Of course all this with Dan had happened, then again he couldn’t really talk. He’d been talking to Liam for a while now, but he couldn’t even make it into anything past just two friends talking. It hurt to love someone and not have them love you back, sure, but he couldn’t imagine hurting this much if the person he was in love with wasn’t as perfect as Dan.

 

Phil got off the bed and decided to eat since it was around lunchtime, plus he looked really skinny and it was starting to kind of scare people. He went into the kitchen, grabbing a few things and making himself a bowl of cereal, it was simple and he liked that. He went into the living room and sat on the couch in front of the laptop he always left out there and kept forgetting about. 

 

Dan came into the living room soon after Phil assumed said position and couldn’t help but sigh with a grin.

 

“The end of the world could be going down outside our door and I’d still find you on the couch eating my damn cereal” He said making Phil laugh, giving a smile he couldn’t have made on his own hours ago. If anyone had enough effect on Phil to put him in the worst mood and pull him out so easily, it’d be Dan by a landslide. 

 

“You know me too well” Phil said in hope of keeping the mood lighthearted but what he’d said had a bittersweetness to it and he hated that. 

 

Dan smiled at it nevertheless and debated going in the kitchen and grabbing food as well but he didn’t really seem up to it. He went back in the living room and rubbed his neck a bit.

 

“Uhm, she wants to meet you” He said randomly resulting in Phil looking confused.

 

“Lucy, she wants to meet you” He corrects himself but the look of confusion doesn’t subside.

 

“She does? How does she even know about me you’ve been dating for like a week tops” He said taking another spoonful of cereal to his mouth.

 

Dan blushed and rolled his eyes, not wanting to flat out admit how much he actually went on to people about Phil when he wasn’t around.

 

“Whatever she just wants to, okay? I was thinking we could all go out tonight like maybe to dinner” He asked, checking his phone for a mere second since he didn’t have any new notifications. Phil sighed and hesitated on saying anything.

 

“Dinner? Sounds kind of intimate and maybe a little third wheely” He said before Dan actually tried to imagine the dinner

 

“Yeah, you're right she might feel excluded” He said making Phil laugh and shake his head.

 

“You know what i mean, you guys are together and all so we should go somewhere like bowling or something i don’t know” He said before Dan laughed loudly

 

“Bowling? Have you ever even seen me bowl?” He asked, his laugh dying down as Phil nodded hesitantly

 

“Yeah actually. Pj’s birthday, 2012, remember?”

“Was that the time Chris got really drunk and ended up kissing your brother?”

 

“No that was the year after, cause Pj only invited him since we all got together for that concert on halloween” Phil said watching Dan smile at the memory 

 

“Oh yeah, that was so much fun” He said thinking back to all the stories he and Phil had to tell or keep as a secret between them. After that back and forth silence fell between them but it wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable and they liked it like that. 

 

-

 

Phil was a guy who could get lost in his dreams and thoughts, it could be the best thing at some points but then sometimes it could be the worst. It felt like sometimes he lived in his dreams instead of real life, and that could get dangerous. His mind didn’t even process what was going on was he aimlessly scrolled on tumblr, no, his mind was on another planet and Dan always knew. He could see the dream in eyes and Dan loved that about him more than anything on the earth.

 

Though it could scare Dan sometimes. He’d look at Phil and it’d be like there was no one in there but millions in there at the same time. Dan had thoughts and dreams like anyone else, but he was nothing compared to Phil in that sense though he always wished he could be more like that.

 

“Phil” Dan said getting his attention, Phil’s heart jumping every time he heard his name roll off Dan’s lips. He raised his eyebrows in a soft confusion with gentle mixed in as well.

 

“I care about you” He said, surprising Phil. He knew Dan cared about him, people miles away knew that but he didn’t expect to hear Dan say something like that.

 

“Sorry i just.. I really wanted to tell you that” Dan said before standing and leaving the living room, not giving Phil a chance to even react. Why would Dan say something like that? It was sweet, but sudden and that flattered but worried Phil.

 

He had a feeling it was all just cause of the tension between them, but Dan was a person who liked to generally avoid conflict but he wasn’t afraid to stand up for things he believed in, so for him to bring up something he’d clearly hadn’t been comfortable talking about.. Well it just meant Dan must’ve really needed to tell Phil that. 

 

He looked out the window and saw it was getting kind of late. He stood up and went over to the window to get a real view of outside. The sky was beautiful, the sun was beginning to set creating a flaming glow to the whole above that was impossible to not stare at. He would’ve took a picture but he knew things never looked the same on a screen, no. You could only find this in what life had to offer, and that’s what made the moment so special. 

 

People fell in love with Dan on screen, but if they had any idea how truly beautiful and breathtaking he was in real life they wouldn’t even know how to handle. Dan was his sunset, and no matter how many videos or pictures were taken of Dan it couldn’t capture his beauty, it could try but it never looked the same. 

 

He sighed, a smile on his face that he knew wouldn’t last forever, but it felt like it could at the moment. It wasn’t late, it was sunset time though he was still so tired suddenly. He was hungry, but dinner didn’t spark his interest. He could have more cereal but even that didn’t get his attention much, he just wanted to go to bed which was weird. He thought he’d be dreading tomorrow and try to put it off as much as possible, but a part of him wanted to meet Lucy. Sure, she was taking away from him the only thing that kept him going day after day but he didn’t like to look at it like that. He saw it like his best friend finally looked happy and if Dan was happy then so would he, and he was gonna tell himself that as many times as he had to until he finally was happy about it, though he didn’t know if it’d be possible but man he was trying.

 

He returned to his bedroom and felt like it was no longer his room but his prison. When he walked in he felt like he couldn’t come out, and he didn’t know if he was happy or sad about that, but the possibility of being happy scared him. Right now he could analyze and cry but he just wanted to sleep, which is exactly what he did.

 

**Time skip**

 

Meeting Lucy was fun, but she wasn’t what Phil expected. She was.. Boring

 

_ Dan stood up and kissed her on the cheek before going to the bathroom like he’d announced not long before. Phil smiled a little at Lucy, thinking of something to say to her while Dan wasn’t around. _

_ “So, what kind of music are you into?” Phil asked, grabbing his water and taking a sip to give her some time to answer. _

_ “Oh i don’t know, i guess i don’t really listen to music” She said making Phil almost choke on his water. Dan’s with a girl that doesn’t like music? She must be really great and into other things to make him like her this much. _

_ “That’s fine, what about books or movies?” he asked, knowing she’d at least be into movies, cause who wasn’t. _

_ “I don’t really like reading, but movies are cool. I like uh, i like the little mermaid” she said shrugging and Phil didn’t know what to even say. He couldn’t judge anyone like that (well he could but he was too polite too) but Dan? Falling for a girl who hasn’t read a day in her life and doesn’t listen to any other music besides what plays on the radio. This just couldn’t be right. _

 

.. and she could be a little rude

 

_ “Oh my god that reminds me of when me and Phil were in Jamaica and we kept getting that guy for room service with that mustache, remember” He said, doubling over laughing. _

_ “That’s funny. When were you guys in Jamaica?” She asked and Dan smiled over at Phil then looked back at her _

_ “It was for Youtube, we were testing these waterproof cameras they sent us” He said, not being able to stop smiling when thinking about the memory. _

_ “Oh yeah, forgot you did Youtube that’s so weird. But maybe it’s worth it, kind of like one big huge video resume to help you get a real job” _

 

Phil sighed. He didn’t like those things about her, among other things, but she was what Dan wanted and there was nothing he could do to stop that.

 

Still, Phil had his last dream on his mind and he couldn’t get it off. He knew these weren’t something to be forgotten easily, but they were never not happening anymore. He sighed once more, not wanting to recount it just yet and instead deciding he’d just continue the endless tumblr scrolling he was enduring until he forgot.

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when that sick feeling wouldn’t leave, he wishes he could know what happens when it finally does go away. _


	6. What happens when they start to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have a joined live show and the fear that the fans might know Phil's secret doesn't exist anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna make this super dramatic but i thought something more cute and domestic was in need, the sadness was getting to be too much.
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading this i love all the support and i started to really decide the end so i have a feeling of how it's gonna work out, im so excited to see if you guys like it!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Check out the spotify playlist for this fanfic, thanks to everyone who followed it and is listening to the audio inspiration behind everything i write cause writing without music is impossible for me lmao

Dan was in his room, had been for a while. He thought of going into town later but he just couldn’t think of anything to do, plus he and Phil were planning on doing a live show together later on so he had to prepare for that. The two of them hadn’t been themselves online, he knew that was true. They were distant and cold but they didn’t mean to be, let’s just say people were really worried about them no matter how many times they insisted they were okay.

 

Though he knew that wasn’t true, he just didn’t like to think about why. Dan might’ve been okay if Phil was, but the look in his eye had passed sadness, and that scared him to no end. Everytime he tried to talk to Phil, to see what was going on in his life he’d get cold empty stares and small two syllable answers like ‘okay’ or ‘i’m fine’ but it wasn’t okay or fine, not with Phil sad it wasn’t. Dan and Phil were never ones to be distant, even during fights they couldn’t help but go out for dinner and crack jokes or watch a show together and end up cuddling until morning, but this was different. Something was going on and it was starting to look unrepairable. He considered just going into Phil’s room right now and prying into his life, but something help him back from doing it almost as if he knew the answer already but was just too scared to face it.

 

He felt his phone vibrate and knew he’d gotten another text which made him sigh. He and Lucy had been texting back and forth now, but he’d gotten kind of bored with the conversation in which all Lucy was talking about was meeting up with him and showing him off to her friends. He should’ve been flattered probably, but the thought of meeting a bunch of people similar to Lucy who wanted to ask him a bunch of questions and would get worried if him and Lucy weren’t as close as she’s probably made them out to be so her friends could call them adorable and she’d get more attention. Okay so maybe thinking that was kind of mean but it had to be close to the somewhat truth, but he’d go and be the good boyfriend she wanted him to be cause it was just the right thing to do.

 

“Hey Dan” Phil said, suddenly standing right at Dan’s open doorway making him sit up.

 

“I’m ordering pizza for dinner what kind do you want” he asked, sitting on the bed next to Dan with the order in his hands. Dan frowned a bit

 

“Why are you doing that? I mean i love pizza but it’s kinda random” He said, not really confused about his dinner choices but more confused as to why Phil had popped into what seemed like a fairly good mood.

 

“It’s pizza night, come on we haven’t done that it in forever don’t tell me that sitting on your bed contemplating life is going to be your excuse for not hanging with me, cause if so you’re so lame” He said with a joking grin on his face. Phil was right, it had been a while since they had a Friday pizza night with hot wings and a kick ass show to watch while they stuff their faces. It’s one of the things that made Dan and Phil, Dan and Phil. A smile slowly crept up on his face but before he could talk Phil mistook his silence as hesitance, which it once had been

 

“I have the best seasons of Friends ready on the TV to binge the hell out of cause i couldn’t find anything new that looked good, so we’re gonna watch this and gain weight. You’re not getting out of this” He said looking at him with a toothy smile that Dan couldn’t say no to even if he tried.

 

“Well then you better get something with olives on it. I’m in the mood” He said making Phil’s smile grow even brighter than before. He stood then walked off and began the order as Dan stood and changes his pants, putting on something a little more comfortable then walking out to the living room and sitting on the couch hearing Phil call in the order from the kitchen. He always walked a bit off when he was making a call, even if it was his mom or something. He was shy at heart and being on the phone put him on display, but it was cute to Dan

 

Soon after the call ended Phil went back to the living room with a soft smile.

 

“Alright, the pizza is on it’s way, i already tweeted our live show would be short” He said making Dan tilt his head 

 

“We’re still doing a live show?” He asked and Phil nodded, opening his computer and getting on younow to set it up

 

“Yup, it’s been forever so come on.” He said pushing the computer back so Dan could get in the shot, the webcam starting up and everything finishing it’s loading.

 

“Hi guys! Am i live?” he asked, looking at the comments trying to see a reply that indicated he was able to be seen, and got one.

 

“Great. I have a special guest with me that you would not guess” He said laughing a bit at how obvious it was then motioned for him to come on the screen.

 

“It’s Dan! I’m sure i fooled someone into thinking it was someone you’d never seen, but no it’s just Dan” He said and Dan laughed a bit

 

“Just Dan” he mocked jokingly before Phil continued and started to read off the usernames of people that had joined him for the live show.

 

The time went on and on, Phil and Dan talking about things and giving commentary and bantering for the fans watching them. Dan at the moment was going on about a new video idea he had and had been working on, something Dan was kind of passionate about at the moment cause he’d been working kind of hard on it. Phil wanted to say something about the video but he just loved the look Dan gave when he was talking about something he loved.

 

Dan’s talking slowed down when he noticed all the comments had filled with ‘omg the look phils giving him’ or ‘love eyes lester’ which made Dan look over at Phil noticing the look he gave him. They giggled a bit at the new eye contact blushing softly then looked away from each other, trying to act like they were suddenly busy with something else but they couldn’t get a smile off their faces which made the chat go crazy, but they chose to ignore it.

 

“Let’s read some premium messages!” Phil announced before there was a knock then on the door followed by the doorbell ringing, making the both of them jump a little.

 

“Oh, the door, i’ll go get that” Phil said and Dan lovingly watched him walk away then returned his attention to the chat on younow and blushed at everyone noticing how Dan was looking at Phil but he ignored the comments and just made some funny noises while doing something on his phone and explain that the knock on the door was the pizza man and that they’d have to leave soon cause they had a ‘Pizza date’ which he regretted saying right after he said it, but he committed and didn’t bother second guessing it all.

 

“Alright, the pizza is here and my pajamas are coming on so we have to go” Phil said once he reached the top of the stairs and laughed a bit.

 

“I know, sorry we have to leave so soon but we can’t have the pizza going cold. I mean i love cold pizza but it’s not cold it’s just like room temperature and i’m rambling” he cause laughing then putting the pizza down on the ottoman in front of them

 

“Anyways, thank you for watching this, we’re filming a gaming video tomorrow so expect a new video sometime this week or next week.” he said then started saying bye to a bunch of people’s usernames then waving bye and ending the younow live show with a smile still on his face.

 

He had been in a pretty awful mood lately but having Dan near him in a comfortable way, having his pajamas on and pizza and talking to his fans was really making life seem brighter at the moment.

 

“That was fun” Dan said, content with everything that’d happened during the live show, though one thing kind of lingering on his mind.

 

“Everyone was talking about.. Like how you were looking at me” he said trying to play it off as a joke but it made a blush spread over Phil’s face, though he acted like nothing had happened.

 

“Looking at you?” he questioned, acting oblivious to the situation even though he knew exactly what his friend was talking about.

 

“Yeah, like the way your looking at me when i’m not looking or just like talking or something” He said trying to explain it without exposing that he’d basically asked him a pretty personal thing about how Phil lovingly stared at him.

 

“Oh well i don’t know. It’s how.. How i’ve always looked at you i guess” he said, not even lying when he said that. It definitely was how he’d always looked at Dan, but he’s clearly never started to notice until now. Dan shrugged, semi content with the answer he’d gotten but he didn’t want to pry but he lowkey did. 

 

“Alright well pizza time” Phil said and Dan smiled as he opened the pizza box and grabbing a slice, Phil grabbing the remote and starting an episode of Friends, sure they’d already seen it but it was comfortable right now and he really loved that.

 

They watched the show together long into the night until they both ended up falling asleep together on the couch, stomachs full of pizza and hearts full of warmth, cuddled together with heads buried into each other under a blanket.

 

They both woke the next morning around the same time and were face to face, tired sleepy eyes having a hard time staying open but widening when realizing they were cuddling and had fallen asleep like this the night before. Dan wanted to freak out and get all weird about it, but he just couldn’t he loved the feeling of being wrapped in Phil’s arms more then anything in the world. They finally made eye contact and both of them blushed deeply, not being able to have words to say. They smiled a bit and tried to avoid eye contact, both of them laughing a bit but being this close made them flustered and embarrassed but they inside didn’t really care, they were just too embarrassed to admit they really liked it.

 

“Guess we fell asleep” Dan said, blushing up his neck and standing up, grabbing the pizza box that was close to empty and starting to clean it up.

 

“Guess we did” Phil said smiling and it would’ve been a nice moment if Phil hadn’t remembered he couldn’t kiss Dan right now which is something he really wanted to do. He looked so cute right now, still so sleepy with red cheeks and ruffled hair, it was so adorable and Phil wanted to kiss him so badly. He sighed and settled for a smile, watching Dan walk to the kitchen and clean the food up but Phil was happy with everything that’d gone down these past few days. He didn’t get good and really normal often but he was getting it right now and that made him more happier then ever.

 

_ Now that Phil knows what happens when they start to know, he decides he’s honestly okay with everyone knowing without real proof. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might kinda seem like a filler chapter but i just wanted some cuteness on this, it's not as long but it's adorable so it evens out


	7. What happens when it happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan isn't at home, until he is again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long writing this! I mean it probably wasn't as long compared to other fanfic updates but i don't like taking a long time and making people wait, but i'm trying to go a little slower because the fanfic is almost over and i don't want to finish this too fast. Anyways i hope you enjoy this!
> 
> SMut warning, i didn't make it horribly graphic (i can write detailed smut) but i didn't want to because this is supposed to be fueled by love, it's supposed to give a love vibe and maybe a bit of nostalgia rather then just a sexual theme soo yup
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> spotify playlist for fanfic ^ the song in the fanfic (it's about time) can be found on the playlist if you wanna give it a listen ^_^
> 
> Thank you everyone who comments and likes this story, thanks sm for the support i love writing this and i'm excited for you guys to see how it ends! byeee

London was almost known for his gray skies and dull weather, but it was something Phil loved. You could smell rain sometimes but usually it was gray skies and cool feelings. It was with him no matter what, and it made him feel at home, but something had started to happen lately that he wasn’t sure he liked. The sadder this place got, the colder it felt and the less he enjoyed the gray skies or the rainy days where he’d stay, lay around and do nothing, when those were days he once loved, especially with Dan, but they weren’t with Dan anymore.

 

Thunder rumbled from outside his thin-glassed window making him jump a little, but nothing noticeable to one that might’ve have been standing next to him. He would’ve thought of something to excuse what he’d done but he remembered then that he was all alone. Dan had left hours ago to go hang out with his girlfriend Lucy, the last couple of days with them had been so perfect he’d almost forgotten that she existed, the back of his mind hoping that if he spent long enough without her he’d forget about her too but that’s not really how life worked.

 

He missed nothing more then the days that the space between them didn’t exist, that there was no thought of even trying to be with someone in any romantic way because they were truly fine with each others company and no one else’s, but Dan wasn’t fine with that anymore. It only made sense, Phil was almost in this thirties but he stuck around with Dan in hopes that something would change and they’d finally get their happily ever after, but Dan wasn’t gonna stay with Phil. He was gonna get older, meet a nice girl and get married with her, maybe have kids. Phil had come to terms with that ages about, but imagining that girl being Lucy made his stomach hurt, plus he’d accepted the possibility but a small part of his brain hoped they’d stay young and stupid forever, living together and doing Youtube without a care in the world, but that’s just not how life works.

 

Feeling pretty bored, Phil decided to check in on his fans. Life sometimes got in the way of his job and Youtube and everything, but lately it’s like that was the last thing going on in his life and he didn’t like that, he cared a lot about his job and didn’t want a little distraction to sink him. Not finding much else to do to remind people he was alive, he decided to tweet something, and after spending a few seconds on it he knew what to say.

 

‘Being home alone sucks when you don’t have first hand knowledge on making traps to stop burglars from coming in’ he ended up tweeting, laughing a bit to himself at the tweet before posting it and looking at people’s reactions, all he had time to look at were positive and good replies but one caught his eye more then anything.

 

Dan Howell 

‘@amazingphil try not to burn the house down while i’m gone’ Phil read which made him smile. It was a quick response, so Dan must’ve already been on his phone which made him wonder why he was doing that instead of talking to Lucy, the whole reason he wasn’t home in the first place.

 

‘@danisnotonfire if i do i’m blaming you’ He tweeted back then looked at all the replies from fans on each, most were like “omg so sweet” or “IJNGIWUG GAY AF” which made Phil laugh. He put his phone away, deciding he’d do something to take his mind off of Dan not being there like watching a movie of some sorts or maybe playing a video game. He opted for movie, walking into the living room and going through the movies on Netflix, trying to see if anything caught his mind until one did called The Fundamentals Of Caring. He looked at the description before shrugging a bit and playing the movie.

 

He tried to get into it, he really did but his mind was on another planet like always. Nothing in the room felt right, every part of his body seemed cold, the temperature of his body having nothing to really do with it. He sighed a bit, leaning back into the couch and letting his eyes close, hearing the movie audio play in his ears until he couldn’t hear it anymore, his mind drifting into off mode as he fell asleep.

 

And of course he dreamed, but this one was different.

 

**It’s About Time - Barcelona**

 

“Have you noticed anything about this park we’re always in?” Dan asked, on the swing next to his. Phil looked over at him, watching his brown hair blow in the distance, his question running through his mind.

 

“Uhm, no. Why?” He asked, tilting his head a bit as Dan looked around the entire park, the only thing lighting the grass was the stars above their heads.

 

“There’s nothing else. It’s just a park, there’s not houses in the distance, do you know why?” Dan asked and once again Phil was at a loss, not having anything to answer but really noticing that is was all just a park.

 

“It’s because this place isn’t real. If there were houses around like there might be at a normal park, then that’d made this real, because a house is nothing but a reality and this place we are always in is far from reality.” Dan said, standing from his swing and looking Phil in the eye.

 

“You can only look at one thing at a time, so i can never actually properly look you in the eyes, Phil. Have you ever noticed anything like that?” He asked making Phil frown.

 

“Why do you have so many questions?” He asked and Dan did nothing but smile before answering.

 

“No.. why do you have so many questions Phil” He corrected, stepping closer to him and running his warm hands through Phil’s hair.

 

“You’re always questioning things, always wondering what happens if you did this or you did that. Maybe you’re not the one that has control over this. Maybe you’re not the one that’s supposed to be doing things differently. Maybe you’re not the one that’s supposed to be asking ‘What happens’” He said and Phil shook his head, looking away, soft tears brimming his eyes in a way that made him want to curl up and never be seen again.

 

“How can you claim all these things are possible when the real you is off with your girlfriend doing god knows what” Phil said, a hint of anger and frustration lining his question.

 

“I could come home Phil, confess my love and we could be together happily ever after, but that’s just not how life works, you should know that by now. Just because someone’s hiding from the truth doesn’t make it any less the truth.” He said, putting his hand on Phil’s cheek and leaning in slowly

 

“You might not like the way life works, and you might not like the way you get there but getting something you want isn’t an impossible thing, not if you try hard enough just don’t let it be something you give up on so easily” He finished before leaning in and kissing Dan softly.

 

The music in his heart didn’t stop, but the dream did and before he knew it Phil was back in the real world, back in his  _ house ..  _ Back in reality.

 

It didn’t hit him until it did, but Phil was crying, a lot. He didn’t know how it was possible he still had enough in him to cry, seeing as it was all he did these days, but by the looks of it he was hardly out of tears.

 

He was still crying and soon he realized he couldn’t stop, but the music in his heart still went on. He heard the keys jingle at the front of the house, and his heart stopped but his tears didn’t. He had to explain all the this, but god how could he. 

 

What Dan had said to him in the dream really stuck out, this time it hadn’t been floating or enjoying the silence, no, it’d been talking and understanding, but it’d been too close to reality. With very little words he’d told him that the pain he felt wasn’t forever though it felt like a lifetime, and as Phil desperately tried to stand in hopes of darting into a bathroom to hide and keep his feelings to himself like he just always did, he caught sight of himself in a mirror.

 

There was a reason Dan wasn’t with him, but it wasn’t the one Phil thought it was. He only managed to see things that were right in front of him, nothing in the beyond and in a way that killed him but at the same time it kept him alive. If he’d been able to see the whole picture, then maybe the actions of that night wouldn’t of happened, but like I’ve said many times before this moment.. That’s just not how life works.

 

So when Dan came into Phil’s room and saw him, there was nothing left to do but ask another question, but Dan had no idea that this time he’d get an answer.

 

“Phil?!” A voice yelled from the other side of the room. Phil looked over seeing Dan at the door looking sleep deprived and worried.

 

“Oh my god what’s wrong?” He asked but Phil just sobbed. Dan ran over to him and hugged him tightly, letting them fall to the ground and Dan just still holding Phil.

 

“Shhh it’s okay, please don’t cry” Dan said. On a normal day Phil would’ve pretended everything was fine and wouldn’t acted like he was okay, but he couldn’t do that anymore, so instead he just cried in pain at the burn he felt from Dan’s hands being on him.

 

“Hey, hey. Look at me” Dan said, making Phil face him, his tear stained face now facing Dan.

 

“Everything is okay”

 

_ Everything is okay _

 

Phil’s heart stopped at the words, with the world crashing down in front of his eyes those words were the only things that stopped him from jumping off the edge, and instead falling off with Dan, so he did.

 

Lips met, and minds fried. Phil felt a sense of safety and protection at the same time, a feeling that just couldn’t be recreated. Dans soft, loving hands fell to Phil’s waist, and he was glowing. Phil didn’t want to open his eyes, he didn’t know if he could, and he didn’t think he needed to. For the first time in his life, in his real life Phil could smell, taste, feel and hear Dan, he didn’t need to see him because he knew he was there.

 

And for the first time everything really was okay.

 

Sometimes when you listen to a certain song it reminds you of a time in your past, a moment that doesn’t have to come to your mind very often, but for some reason the song brings you back. You hear it and suddenly you’re back to a summer moment you’d never forget, being with the friends you had in that time of your life, younger then you are now and more carefree, not thinking of consequences because at the time they just didn’t matter.

 

Dan was his song, and the song in his heart just kept playing. So when his lips met with Dan’s he was taken back to a moment he only thought a time machine could take him to, but god was he wrong.

 

_ He remembered it so clearly it felt as if it was happening right now. The rush, the adrenaline, the nervous excitement coursing through his body as he waited at the train station. He began to wonder what mystery lied within the train station walls, and he wondered how many answers this soul would give him when they finally met with no screens in there way. What would they do, where would they go. He didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure if he cared because he’d finally be getting his answers. He looked at the time on the clock hanging on the wall a bit away from him and knew it’d be a good 15 minutes before he got here, so he took a seat on the closest bench he could find next to a girl with long blonde hair. She looked his way and gave him a smile, a carryon bag next to her boot covered feet. _

 

_ “Hey, my name’s Sarah” She said with a friendly smile, Phil all to distracted to notice the twinkle in her eyes when she looked at him _

 

_ “I’m Phil” He answered politely before looking back at the empty tracks that showed no sign of the new train pulling through. _

 

_ “What are you here for?” she asked noticing how his attention was focused solely on the train that was about to be late. _

 

_ “I’m..” He said, his voice faltering as his worried expression dropped, now looking over to the pretty girl. _

 

_ “I’m here meeting my soulmate” He said, not noticing her smile fall at that, her gaze dropping to the ground like she’d hoped the person she worked up the nerve to talk to could be an important person in her life. _

 

_ “Oh? Well that’s neat. Whoever she is, she’s a really lucky girl” Sarah said, sighing and debating just bolting in embarrassment  _

 

_ “He, and if anyones lucky it’s me” Phil said to the girls surprise, having no idea the boy was expecting to meet another boy. She gave a soft smile then stood, knowing she’d have to leave _

 

_ “Well I hope he’s everything you’re looking so frantically for” She joked before leaning down, grabbing her carryon bag and walking a way, flashing one more smile at Phil before leaving. Phil had been paying so much attention to the girl he hadn’t noticed that the train had pulled in and had now opened their doors. He stood up, his heart racing a million miles a second trying to find the one he’d been looking for.  _

 

_ A crowd of people pooled out of the train and filled the station, Phil’s mind began to spin in worry, where was he? He looked everywhere for the brain messy mop of hair until he didn’t need a reason to look anymore, only one word coming to his mind _

 

“Dan” Phil moaned softly as he was pushed down to the ground, his back pressing against the once cold carpet that covered his bedroom floor. The feeling of hands from Dan roaming up and down Phil’s shaking body made the man want to melt, but he felt an even stronger urge to protect Dan, make him feel safe and closed around him. 

 

Swift movements and suddenly Phil was on top of Dan, whispering sacred promises into his ear, ones he knew he’d never break not even if god himself struck Phil down with lightning bolts. Somethings in this world were filled with nothing but power, but what Dan and Phil had between that could take down the highest of gods and biggest of demons known to mankind, though at the moment there was nothing between Dan and Phil but a clothing they wished so desperately didn’t exist, and soon enough it didn’t.

 

Skin to skin, rapidly beating hearts pressed against each other and soon once again, lips, and it hadn’t been the first or second time.

 

_ “So I know this is kinda cheesy, but it’s an amazing view, right?” Phil asked, the two of them reaching the highest point on the Manchester eye, the place Phil had decided to take Dan for a first date, or place to hangout.  _

 

_ Dan smiled, every time he did that Phil felt like he couldn’t breath and put so many walls up, be cool be manly right? If only he’d known what Dan had been going through on his own time. _

 

_ “This place is perfect” He said looking off wistfully into the now sunset, the sun catching a orange fiery glow to the clouds. Phil loved the look in Dan’s eyes right at this moment, it looked as if he was thinking of all the passions and dreams he’d ever had, which might’ve been close to the truth when talking about the innocent 18 year old boy next to him who hadn’t lived a day in the real world yet, but something about that sentence made Phil’s heart rattle. _

 

_ “You think?” he asked, not breaking his slightly hostile act, not wanting to seem easy or dumb to Dan and instead seem chill and cool, which maybe wasn’t him but he didn’t care about being himself, he cared about impressing Dan right now. Dan looked back at him with a smile that could take down a god, and it definitely took down Phil with seconds to spare.  _

 

_ “Yeah I do” he said letting silence take over the cold air, the view changing by the second as they spun on the wheel, but Dan acted differently the next time they reached the highest point, looking right at Phil then going in for the kiss. _

 

Phil didn’t know when the clothes were removed but they’d been long gone at this point. Sounds were pulled out of Dan and Phil that they weren’t aware the two of them could even make. He did everything he could to make Dan feel special and loved, kissing him in places only few lucky people could ever kiss him, Dan’s eyes rolling at every new feeling he was experiencing, feeling like he hadn’t truly lived until he’d had Phil do these kinds of things to him.

 

Phil looked straight into Dan’s soul and knew what he wanted and he wanted it now. He wanted to drown in Dan so deep he couldn’t even see the surface of the sea, he didn’t want to ever again. If he drowned deep enough he knew soon enough he’d be surrounded by all black, which sounded scarily familiar, but he knew soon after everything would be starry skied like the dreams he’d been living in. This was something he no longer wanted but needed.

 

Both of them at this point were begging for more, pulling on each other with a need and a craving. Phil pushed Dan’s hips up then caught fear in his eyes, Phil giving that fear back soon to see the hesitation. He didn’t know if he could go on. He only ever did anything to make Dan feel like he was at home and safe for eternity with Phil, but rejection from Dan was something that stung and something he hated to replay in his head more then the one time he ever had to live it.

 

_ He pushed away from the kiss he’d initiated with panic in his eyes, almost as if he couldn’t believe what he’d done. _

 

_ “I-i’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me!” Dan stuttered in plain fear, Phil taking it at the moment as Dan just scared that he didn’t like him back which he definitely did, so Phil smiled. _

 

_ “It’s okay” he said, running his hand through the side of Dan’s hair lovingly then watching as Dan jerked back like the touch had hurt or stung him. _

 

_ “No! S-stop. I don’t know why i did that, i’m not gay. I like chicks” Dan said making Phil freeze up a bit. In all honesty, hearing that sentence from Dan’s mouth didn’t sound anything near normal, but the man said it and even if it was just a situation where he was falling head over heel for Phil and he was in denial, he still had to respect what Dan was saying to him at the moment. _

 

_ “Hey it’s okay, i’m sorry to i guess i read things wrong. Let’s just forget that ever happened and have a good night, alright?” he offered with a smile making Dan’s panicked expression soften a bit then nod, even offering a tiny smile. _

 

_ “Okay, yeah alright” He said in agreement _

 

“Phil, i’m okay” Dan whispered with his eyes shut, Phil wasn’t sure why but that worried him, as if Dan didn’t want to see what was right in front of him cause that’d make it too real, but Phil listened to what Dan told him and nodded, pushing forward and closing the gap between them making gaps and grunts fall from both of their mouths, not imagining it’d ever feel this way between them. They’d had sex before, that was obvious, but nothing compared to what they felt at the moment. Dan let his head fall back, not knowing what else to do with himself.

 

“Fuck” Dan moaned out in a whisper, his nails sinking into Phil’s pale skin, thighs shaking in a fit of pain and pleasure. Phil took time, letting Dan adjust to the new feeling but having issues adjusting to it himself, the feeling of being inside of Dan all too much to handle.

 

“Phil, Phil” Dan almost begged in a chant, clawing at his softly on the sides and letting out high pitched whines and long whimpers.

 

“Please move” he begged, squeezing his eyes tight and gasping as Phil pulled out, Dan focusing on making his breathing steady so he could calm down and get himself used to the feeling, then Phil thrusted forward.

 

_ “Tonight was really fun” Dan said, looking into Phil’s eyes and smiling. Nothing could stop Phil’s heart from skipping a beat when Dan smiled like that. _

 

_ “I’m really glad you had fun. I was kinda worried you’d think it was boring or whatever” Phil teased, sitting down on his bed with a crooked smile, and Dan rolled his eyes. _

 

_ “Well I had a lot of fun” he said then sat next to him, their eyes finding each others a little too easily, and soon getting lost. _

 

_ Now it might seem like each flashback I write might be getting smaller, but each feeling for one and other were the same but different at the same time cause though the type of feeling remained the same, the intensity of said feeling was stronger each time going on, and neither Phil nor Dan knew why, but they decided to roll with it, especially Dan since he was starting to have a feeling if he thought about being with Phil for too long he’d let things get lodged into his mind and he’d ruin a night that didn’t want to be ruined. _

 

And the same was happening now.

 

Things at the beginning of this had been short and skipped and hard edged like dora styled bangs, but a pattern had fallen into place and things evolved into a more gentle experience.

 

Dan was grabbing, holding onto Phil for dear life as he thrusted into him, leaving no time for hesitation or regret. The only words that were passed between them came out in high pitched moans from Dan, and some deep grunts from Phil but other then that it was just noises to remind each other they were still hear, not just some random person but Dan and Phil, the only people they’d really been able to trust for the past near decade.

 

Phil was too lost in Dan to think of any coincidence at the moment, and that’d backfire soon enough but life let them enjoy this moment of pleasure and pure ecstasy before it was over and out of their lives for ever.

 

Though scenes like these are usually meant to get your heart racing, this one is only to prepare you for what happens next. 

 

Dan’s eyes shot open, more wide then they’d ever been during this time here with Phil and possibly more wide then they’d ever been throughout his entire life. He panted heavier and clawed at Phil almost in a panicked way 

 

“P-Phil i’m gonna-” he began to stutter, his voice urgent like he had to say what he had to say before it was too late.

 

“Shh” Phil said calmly, biting down on his lip continuing to thrust deeply into Dan showing to mercy, but not wanting to hear anything the boy had to say

 

“Dan, everything is okay” he whispered and with that they fell, but this time they fell together.

 

_ “Well what if i’m not just like everyone else?” Dan said quietly almost hoping his dad didn’t hear a thing, his eyes watering so badly he couldn’t see the thing he was scared of that was standing right in front of him. _

 

_ “What if i’m not as perfect as you just expected me to be. Maybe I do like Phil, wha-what do you hate me now?!” Dan yelled almost hoping for an answer and getting more scared by the second that he wasn’t getting one. _

 

_ And that’s when Dan realized that the conversation leading up to his outburst was just something to prepare him.. _

 

_ for the impact. _

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when it happens, he decides he could live with it happening again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a super long chapter woops lmao


	8. What happens when mistakes are made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil wake up to a different world, all Phil wants to do is go back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones kinda long as well lmao. Also i wrote most of this before i wrote the last one, idk i was excited to write it i guess.
> 
> I love all the feedback i get so much, i really can't wait to finish this it's so depressing but also bittersweet you're gonna love it - But still happy ending like promised in the tags.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Song used in total depressing scene is in the playlist above ^ (a message)
> 
> I love all the songs i have in the fanfic and in the playlist so thanks for giving it a listen!
> 
> also - SUICIDE WARNING well i mean it's not graphic but STILL if you get triggered ( i mean you probs shouldn't my stuff anyways ) but like just kinda stop watching after (spoilers) - dan storms out. I warn for everything lmao

“Phil.” Dan spoke to him within the blissful dream he’d been having.

 

“I care about you dearly, i can’t watch this happen to you. If you want my advice Phil, please don’t wake up” He said as Phil half ignored him, looking up into the sky and silently wondering why there are no stars in the sky.

 

“It’s because they all exploded” Dan answered, reading Phil’s mind and surprising him. Dan sighed then got off the swing he was just always sitting on.

 

“Fine. Go ahead, wake up. Don’t say i didn’t warn you.

 

You know how sometimes when you wake up you can just sense how something is different. It may smell different, or your mouth tastes a different way, or a warm presence is no longer beside you to deal with a mistake you made together.

 

Phil knew something was wrong when he woke up in his bed, alone and naked. His eyes opened and immediately he wanted to close them and wish the world away. In a magical world the only reason Dan wasn’t in that bed would be cause he was making Phil a warm breakfast, but the house was colder then usual and lacked the smell of hot pancakes.

 

Phil sat up and winced, his hips and thighs sore and exhausted. Okay so maybe it’d been awhile since he did what he did last night, but Phil didn’t feel shame about that, he cared about who he had sex with, nothing about it was meaningless to him and he is starting to think that’s why Dan wasn’t here, cause if it wasn’t meaningless then that’s bound to make his job a lot harder, especially if it wasn’t meaningless to him either, but now i’ve used the word meaningless one to many times and you’re going to have to deal with that in a way you never thought you would.

 

When Phil stood up he could feel everything hurting and he hated the feeling. He got himself dressed as quickly as his sore muscles would allow then went out of the bedroom, looking around and to his surprise seeing Dan. He spun around like a little kid being caught eating cookies before dinner, then looked away.

 

“I’m leaving soon, don’t mind me” Dan spoke, not even a hint of emotion wrapped in his words. Phil walked into the room and noticed Dan packing a few overnight items into a bag which made Phil’s heart ache. 

 

“What? Leaving where are you going?” Phil asked, a slight hint of worry in his voice but getting no answer from Dan, and almost panicking at that.

 

“Dan?” .. 

 

“Dan, don’t do this. Please don’t shut me out like I don’t exist. Come on, I’m your best friend you can’t just ignore me” Phil said, almost in disbelief that Dan was acting so distant to him.

 

“I’m not ignoring you i’m just doing everyone a favor and getting out of here while i still can” He said making Phil frown.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Look we’re two adults can’t we just talk about this like normal people?” He said angrily, it usually being pretty serious when Phil started cussing.

 

“What’s there to talk about? We both made a huge, huge fucking mistake and i’d like to forget about it. Please?” Dan said, trying to walk away from the situation but Phil followed him, insisting on some answers.

 

“So what that’s just it? We have sex and you just bolt, really?” Phil questioned over and over, Dan nearly wincing when Phil reminded them they actually had sex.

 

“Don’t say that” Dan begged, looking like he was going to throw up at the thought of what’d happened the night before.

 

“Oh grow up Dan, we had sex, don’t you dare act like it meant nothing to you-”

 

“But it did fucking mean something and that’s why i have to leave!” Dan snapped, being more honest with Phil at this moment then he’d probably ever been.

 

“If it meant something then please just stay here, we can talk this out together and- and stop packing please. Where are you even going?”

 

“I’m going to Lucy’s house, remember? Or did you already forget i had a fucking girlfriend?! And now because of you we’re probably gonna fight” Dan spat, trying his best to pretend upsetting Lucy was his biggest problem right now, but Phil wasn’t having any of it.

 

“Well aren’t you just perfect. You were in that bed as much as i was Dan, so don’t act like a damn victim!” He yelled.

 

“Well what the hell was i supposed to do! I come in there and you’re all crying and in tears like a little lamb” Dan said which made Phil scoff

 

“I can’t even believe you’re trying to make this my fault!” Phil exclaimed, getting an eye roll reply from Dan.

 

“Oh please. Don’t play with me like that Phil, of course it’s your damn fault, i’m not even gay!” He said then realized looking at Phil’s new expression that he probably made a mistake.

 

“Oh my god are you kidding me” Phil said angrily, backing Dan into the wall.

 

“You’re not gay, really? Sure didn’t seem like that last night when you were begging for me to get inside you” Phil said making Dan’s cheeks bright red, a last straw being pulled so Dan pushed Phil away with force.

 

“Shut up! You know what fuck this, I’m moving out!” Dan said making Phil scared for a second but blowing it off in his mind.

 

“No you’re not Dan you’re just mad. Come on we’re best friends” He said sighing, sick of fighting with Dan.

 

“No we are NOT friends anymore Phil. I-...I fucking hate you!” he cried out making Phil stop in his tracks to look at Dan. Dan looked awful, dark circles were under his eyes and he didn’t feel the same, a dark cloud hung over him and it hurt Phil to see him like that, but not as much as it hurt when he heard those words. Tears built up in his eyes, his bottom lip quivering at the thought of Dan leaving and never coming back.

 

“N-no you don’t hate me” Phil said quietly, desperately trying to get Dan to admit to anything he pushed for but it wasn’t happening.

 

He didn’t know how to feel at the moment, everything had escalated so quickly from the time he’d just woken up to now. What could he do or say to keep Dan from walking out the door. Nothing.

 

“Yes i do, now i’m leaving so just leave me alone” Dan said, still to caught up in his anger to even register how much he’d broken Phil’s heart. He didn’t give it another second, grabbing his bag then storming out of the room

 

No no Phil couldn’t be alone, not after he said that not right now.

 

“Dan please” he begged weakly, watching Dan leave and knowing it was all too late. He blew it, Dan was gone and nothing was there to stop him.

 

Dan soon enough was out of the apartment.

 

No-

 

Phil was alone in the apartment again, but for for the first time he truly felt all alone.

 

Phil looked down at the ground in defeat. He just lost Dan. Tears filled, left and refilled his eyes, pouring down his cheeks with no sign of stopping. He’d never been in this much pain in his life. He caught sight of himself in the mirror hung up in their living room. His living room. Anger filled his blood looking at himself, knowing he’d blown it. He put his fists up and pounded on the glass, hating how he looked. He knew one tiny mistake could make a bigger mistake and soon he’d fucking lose Dan. He pounded the glass harder. Why couldn’t he have lied or pretended, or maybe just been born normal. No, he just  _ had _ to fall in love with Dan and mess things up with him, just like he’d done with his friend Kyle when he was younger. Well guess what, Kyle was  _ gone _ now and soon Dan would be gone too, and it’s all his fault, and with that final thought Phil slammed into the glass, shattering it all over himself and the mantel it’d been placed on, his hands getting cut in the shards he’d been slamming against, but the pain he felt in his hand didn’t hold a candle to the annoying pains in his head and chest that just wouldn’t leave.

 

_ And soon Dan would be gone too. _

 

Phil’s eyes widened. No, Dan couldn’t leave, not like that. Phil needed to leave before Dan ever did, Dan needed to forget about him already and live his life with his girlfriend and be happy, it’s what Dan deserved. 

 

Phil? No, he didn’t deserve happiness, he barely deserved being put out of his misery. If anything he deserves to roll in the shards below his feet and rot in this cursed apartment with the torture of Dan’s lingering scent everywhere he turned.

 

Dan hated Phil. He said that when the last straw had been pulled for Dan, but what Dan didn’t know was saying that was the final straw being pull out from under Phil’s stack of straws, and that made every single straw fall to the ground in a shaky defeat.

 

See the thing was when Phil looked back on memories, when being with Dan brought him back almost a decade ago he only saw Dan’s smile, the good parts of that weekend, but he had no clue what Dan saw.

 

_ “Okay now for the final time, Dan i want you to look at the screen” … “What is it you see” _

 

_ “A sin” Dan answered, looking at a screen, a picture of two men holding hands. When Dan looked deep enough, past the emotional damage on his side he noticed more then the fact that their hands met. He saw the smile on their faces, looking at each other sharing a connection of pure love and trust, everything Dan really wanted in life, but out of fear and out of pain there was nothing in Dan’s mind that’d let him admit that. _

 

_ Until there was. So when Dan knew being best friends with Phil was apart of the deal in life, living with him and working with him he vowed to himself that never once would he do anything his father wouldn’t approve of, or society wouldn’t approve of, or Dan himself wouldn’t approve of. Now lately Dan had really started to noticed all the damage that’d been made, and all the feelings that were swirling around the halls of their flat he knew he had to do something drastic, make it impossible for himself to be with his only temptation. _

 

_ He found Lucy. _

 

_ She was nice and everything he wanted, right? So then why didn’t she work. _

_ There was no question mark because that was no mere question, no. It was an answer. _

 

In the end it left a broken hearted Phil alone in a house that smelt like the person he so badly wanted to hold and kiss.

 

_ Now what could soon be handled _

_ We’re not everything that we seem _

_ Our shells don’t tell a story _

_ And neither does what you see on screen _

_ We’re seeping past _

_ Into the vast opening of your seam _

_ You may cry but you won’t find _

_ The thing you claim you need _

_ And though we promise to never lie _

_ About the stories and faults we provoke  _

_ We cry into broken mirrors now _

_ And pray we soon find ways to choke _

 

And once Phil finished writing those words on a tear stained piece of paper, he really knew now, for the first time forever Phil knew he was nothing to himself if Dan wasn’t standing next to him, and life wasn’t worth living if Dan wasn’t here to live it with him and enjoy.

 

Phil knew what he wanted now.

 

How would he do it. He knew how.

He was fully clothed. That was fine.

What if people got sad. No one would get sad.

 

The bathroom was only 10 small steps away. All it took was that first one.

 

9 more steps to go. Was this really happening? Phil was so sick of thinking anymore. He was so sick of going over every single word Dan said in his sentences trying to find one that really made it seemed like he cared about Phil. He was done with trying to see if hints of sparkle came from his eyes, heart, soul, body, mind, smile. Fuck fuck fuck, he really was doing this.

 

8 more steps to go. Hate was the only thing fueling his motives and maybe that wasn’t a good thing. He had no idea that the closer he got to the place he wanted to end his life the more hate would drain out of him leaving coldness as the only thing driving his car and motives.

 

7 more steps to go. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know how things would go down when the amount of steps to take came to an end and he was left with his only one desire, ending his life was a decision he shouldn’t be aloud to make at the moment, but it was a decision he had to make.

 

6 more steps to go. He’d miss his mom

 

5 more steps to go. And his family.

 

4 more steps to go. And Dan

 

3 more steps to go. He’d really miss Dan. He’d miss the way Dan used to look at him like ‘god this idiot’ but Phil loved every second of that look. Maybe he should’ve just fucking sucked it up and pretended he wasn’t deeply in love with Dan, pretended Dan didn’t make his heart jump or burst just at the sight.

 

2 more steps to go. But that’s not that he did, no, he kind of went insane. And where did it get him? He had sex with Dan, and that thought stung in his mind like a the leg pains you get when you don’t sleep. Dull but neverending.

 

1 more step to go. I took an s off steps, and that was the only difference between step 2 and step 1.

 

And soon zero. Phil let the bathtub fill with warm water, wanting to be comfortable when this all went down.

 

When he laid in the full tub he had a thought that he couldn’t undo. He laid in the tub, with only his ears under the water letting more and more thoughts jump into his mind, and this went on for hours until finally his head went under.

 

**A Message - Coldplay**

 

_ “I don’t usually talk to fans” Phil teased, looking at Dan through the screen on his computer as he laid in his bed. _

 

_ “But this one i had to reply to” _

 

-

 

_ “I remember that day like it was yesterday” Phil spoke wistfully to Dan as they looked at the river in front of them. _

 

_ “Me too” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “I can’t believe we’re moving in tomorrow” Dan joked a little, a little nervous energy to his actions which made Phil smile. _

 

_ “First apartments can be a little scary, but you’ll have me” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “I am so proud of you Dan” Phil said looking right into Dan’s eyes with a huge smile on his face, excitement in the air. _

 

_ “Three million i mean what, that is incredible.” Phil said but Dan’s expression dulled a little, something clearly on his mind. _

 

_ “What about you?” He said making Phil’s heart melt. _

 

_ “Pff, what about me? You’re an amazing youtuber, no one deserves this more then you.” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “What the hell even was that fucking video Phil?!” Dan yelled as tears streamed down Phil’s face making it hard for him to even answer. _

 

_ “It was nothing, just s-some stupid prank” He stuttered as Dan shook his head. _

 

_ “You’re telling me in 2010 you made me a video on valentine's day telling me you loved me? Then what it was all just some fucking prank? _

 

_ “I’m sorry Dan” Phil choked out, almost pleading for Dan to stop yelling. _

 

_ “No way, sorry doesn’t fucking cut it. Nothing in that is even true! Yeah we looked at the stars like once you made it out to be some fucking romantic comedy scene on tv, and me kissing you? Please it was more like a head bump on accident.” _

 

_ “T-that’s why i brought you there.. After that party” Phil admitted in pure shame, looking down as tears streamed down his red cheeks. _

 

_ “I thought it was romantic..” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “Chris wants to hang out with us and Pj, you wanna come?” Phil asked, sticking his head in Dan’s room and watching Dan tense up. _

 

_ “Sure, whatever” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “So what about that gaming channel thing. I know i keep bringing it up but it sounds like a great idea honestly” Dan said, sitting next to Phil and turning the tv on. _

 

_ “Yeah i say we go for it, i guess we just need to pick out a first game” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “I’m so fucking nervous, what if they hate it?” Dan asked in worry looking over at Phil who just smiled and shook his head _

 

_ “We spent about a good portion of our lives on this book, i doubt anything with that much effort put into that can be hated” Phil joked calming Dan’s nerves. _

 

_ “You’re right, okay i’m doing it” He said before posting the book trailer. _

 

_ - _

 

_ “Come on come on come on” Phil said, standing at the door with a bags and suitcases tied and looped around different limbs on his body, watching Dan rush around to find another thing he had forgot to pack. _

 

_ “I’m coming!” Dan insisted making Phil huff _

 

_ “Dan our flight is literally leaving in like an hour it takes us 45 minutes to even get there!” Phil said in a panic and Dan made a weird high pitched noise in reply mocking how whiney Phil was being making him laugh a little. _

 

_ “What about jackets, i don’t have any jackets packed. Does it even get cold in Japan?” Dan questioned out loud and Phil rolled his eyes. _

 

_ “I don’t know, come on” He said smiling as they both finally got out of the door. _

 

_ - _

 

_ Dan sat on Phil’s colorful bed as Phil continued to set the camera up. _

 

_ “You got the marker right?” Phil asked which Dan replied to by waving the marker in the air a little before smiling big. _

 

_ “What are you so happy about?” Phil asked smiling as well to seeing Dan so happy. _

 

_ “I have a feeling this Phil is not on fire will be the best one. Though it being seven years since we made the first one is impossible to even imagine”  _

 

_ - _

 

_ “I can’t sleep” Phil admitted to Dan who’d asked why he was still awake, running around the apartment _

 

_ “Phil quit packing, soon our apartment will have nothing left in it” he said joking a little but mostly being serious. _

 

_ “I’m nervous. We won’t be home for like 3 months, plus what if people hate it?” Phil questioned making Dan laugh _

 

_ “People already proved that it was as awesome as we made it” Dan said but Phil pouted, _

 

_ “Yeah but not Americans!” He said and Dan laughed harder. _

 

_ “Go to sleep, you weirdo” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “This book is such trash” Dan said laughing loudly at his own words, Phil shake his head. _

 

_ “No it’s not! I think people will think it’s funny and cool, plus i always see those like rare dan and phil pictures so obviously they’ll like this” He said and Dan just laughed in response _

 

_ “Well we’ll see” _

 

_ - _

 

_ “Do these lights look good here- _

 

They say your whole life flashes before your eyes before you die, but that’s not true. You don’t see everything, just the important stuff.

 

But soon thinking got hard and only one thought could pop into his mind before it was too late.

 

I love you, Dan.

  
_ Now that Phil knows what happens when mistakes are made, he decides to lay in peace letting life rip life away from him, happily knowing he would never make another mistake again. _


	9. What happens when you don't take a chance (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's life is on the line and Dan really starts to realize what happens when you don't take the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo we're nearing the end, the next one may not answer a lot of questions but it for sure will be pretty awesome.
> 
> Also *cough* there might be a bonus chapter *cough*
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> ^ I'm pretty much done updating this cause the story's almost over but still check it out

‘Don’t eat don’t drink don’t think don’t sleep. You’re gonna throw up again’ Dan told himself, but as many things as he can prevent, his mind from wandering into a deep black pit of doom was for sure not one of them.

 

He shook his head. Maybe this was all just a dream, maybe soon he’d wake up and none of this would’ve ever happened, but he knew why that would never happen already.

 

_ The lessons Dan thought he was going to learn were far from the ones he’d actually learn today as he stood out in the rain, walking around and finding different places to avoid getting wet under- _

 

No no no he couldn’t. Not again. Dan felt a burning heat rise in the back of his throat and knew he wouldn’t last. He’d already thrown up twice, he didn’t need another on his hands.. Or on the floor. He tried anything he could to divert his mind from the horror that lied within the awful story he’d lived only an hour ago, but his mind never listened to him.

 

_ Karma strikes back, and at the time Dan thought his karma came in the form of rain, but he was far from right. He’d been walking around for what seemed like forever, and had no idea where he wanted or really could go next. He’d said something about going to Lucy’s house, but none of that was true, truth was he’d broken up with her before any of this had happened, so no harm had been done in the form of cheating but Dan didn’t want to believe last night had actually happened.  _

 

_ He checked his phone and saw no new texts from Phil, that kind of worried him but he didn’t take it as seriously as he should’ve though his stomach was turning a bit. Phil didn’t really believe him when he’d said what he did.. Right? As hesitation was left in the air as there was no one around to answer the questions he’d been asking himself only inside his head, but the truth was the rain had been starting to come down harder then it ever had and all signs of the universe were pointing to go home. Not like he didn’t want to, but what would he even say? Maybe he could just ignore the situation and curl up in his room until the problem fixed itself, that  fixed it most times. _

 

_ But this wasn’t like most times. _

 

This had replayed in Dan’s mind more times then he could count, but no matter how many different ways he remembered it this part was always his least favorite.

 

_ He neared the apartment, waiting a bit outside before getting his keys and going in. The house smelt like it always did, it looked the same, but nothing felt the same. He liked to assumed it was just because they’d been fighting before, but Dan knew it was something more then that. He walked up the stairs and that feeling grew deeper in the pit of his stomach, he didn’t care anymore he just needed to know. _

 

_ “Phil?..” No answer and that sent Dan in a panic. Sometimes you can walk into a room and just know there was something wrong, something had happened and you needed to act fast, but that didn’t even begin to explain the feeling Dan was getting at the moment. He dropped everything in his hands and in his mind then rushed up the stairs. Where was Phil? _

 

_ He reached the top and ran towards Phil’s room but stopped. The carpet was damp. He turned, making a beeline towards the bathroom and opening it up to see Phil under the water, looking sick and lifeless. He was clothed and a soaked note was by the overflowing bathtub, but Dan didn’t have time to notice those things right now. He collapsed beside the tub, dipping his hands and pulling Phil out of the tub, not caring how wet he got in the process and doing everything in his strength to pull Phil out of the water. He desperately grabbed his phone from his pocket, sloppily dialing 911 as he held Phil as best as he could, hitting his back trying and pushing on his stomach trying to get as much water up as he could. _

 

_ Dan was panicked on the phone, trying to explain what happened. _

 

_ “I-i came home and i found m-my roommate drowning in the bathtub” he stuttered then caught sight of the note, reading it as best as he could before realizing it was a poem. _

 

_ s u i c i d e ? _

 

_ Dan was panicked on the phone, the thought of Phil trying to do this to himself made him want to vomit. He listened to the police as they sent people over, putting pressure on Phil the ways they instructed as best he could but nothing could beat the pure horror he felt every time he looked at Phil’s face, all the color and love and light drained out of him, and just as the police showed up, sirens blazing across the streets, Dan began to sob. _

 

No. He couldn’t think about it anymore. He needed to focus on now, but even that hurt him so much. Dan had been sitting in this chair for far too long, every time he tried to ask someone where Phil was he was told he wasn’t ‘stable yet’, and no matter where he went the air smelt of a sickly sweet fragrance that was pumped into each room trying desperately to cover up the smell of death that lurked the halls.

 

He hated everything about hospitals from the slide window front doors right down to the paste chocolate cake that tasted of chemicals and rotting corpses. Call Dan a pessimist but this was a place people went to die, and the reminder that Phil was here sent him running to the bathroom again, puking every stale thing he ate right into the toilets that smelt no different then the rest of the hospital. He felt cold and lifeless almost like he was the one slowly dying, and telling every nurse that asked if he needed to be checked up on that he was okay was getting on his nerves.

 

He was getting tired but he didn’t know he if he felt okay sleeping in this situation, or in this place. He sighed teeling and admitted a pure defeat. Phil was hurt and he couldn’t see him. He was hurt in a different way, more then just physical. Phil had felt so alone he saw no other way out. Did Phil really care about him so much so he’d rather die then have Dan hate him. He cringed, remembering he’d told Phil he hated him. That was so far from the truth, he didn’t have Phil he lo..

 

What was he thinking right now? He just didn’t know. He needed to see Phil right now, he had to. What did this change? Losing Phil would be like losing a chunk of his soul, the thought of it made him want to curl up and sob. Coming close to losing Phil changed more then he imagined it would. His mind began to swirl thinking of all the things he had always wanted to say to Phil, but if Phil died today it would just be all the things he never got to say to Phil.

 

Then that stirred up a sudden thought. What were the things he’d always wanted to say to Phil but never got to? The answerless question burned in his head like a lava stream seeping through every memory and idea he’d ever had stored up in his head, and it hurt. He’d been walking around aimlessly in this hospital cafeteria and he needed to sit down, but he was starting to get a little dizzy and possibly confused.

 

He stumbled his way back, finally sitting his ass down in the same chair he kept going back to whenever he came from anywhere before a doctor came into the waiting room.

 

“Daniel Howell?” he said and Dan stood, looking at him then nervously walking over to the doctor dressed in all white like the sickeningly flashy while walls he was cursed to roam in.

 

“So you’re Phil Lester’s emergency contact but i didn’t catch your relationship to him?” he asked, looking up at Dan and getting a pencil ready to write his answer on a clipboard

 

“Roommate” He said, watching the doctor who looked like he was about in his late 30’s or early 40’s write it down on his clipboard.

 

“Look, can i see him?” I asked, assuming that was another reason that the doctor came over to the waiting room since he could’ve asked all this at any time.

 

“Sorry, only family or spouses at the moment” the doctor said making Dan burn on the inside. This was stupid, he was the only one here with Phil. He got an idea that he knew he never would’ve agreed to do a few days before.

 

“I’m his partner. We’re uhm.. engaged “ he said, thinking the doctor might’ve known if he’d been lying about them being married. His eyes widened in apology, feeling like he might’ve offended the man.

 

“Oh, i’m so sorry, come this way Mr.Lester” he said, it being a sort of comforting doctor thing to call fiance’s or even sometimes long term boyfriends and girlfriends by each other's last names if they were the ones hurt, to make it seem like there was a future where you’d get married, and at the moment when Dan was called by Phil’s last name he felt tears swell up, as he walked down the hall following the doctor, and those words finally made Dan realize what he’d always wanted to say to Phil but never got to.

 

“Phil is stable at the moment but unconscious, there's still a lot of water where it shouldn’t be, and removing it isn’t as easy as you’d think so we’ve been keeping Phil elevated while in bed cause there’s a chance he could drown in his sleep at any moment” the doctor said making Dan’s vision falter, his mind spinning.

 

“I know times like these can be hard. Do you have any family members that could be of some sort of comfort you’d like to contact?” the doctor asked making Dan think about his family. His blood felt like it was burning through his skin at the thought of seeing his family, but he stayed calm on the outside,

 

“I don’t have any family, only Phil.” he said but also considered calling Phil’s family seeing as he’d always been closer to them then his own, plus they deserved to know Phil had gotten hurt. The whole time he’d been here they’d been referring it to ‘Phil drowning’ and Dan kept it that way, refraining from telling anyone he’d practically found a suicide note by the bathtub. No one needed to know that, as long as Phil got out alive. He’d been keeping it together better then he thought, he hadn’t cried once since he called the police, and he’d only thrown up 4 times before deciding trying to eat again was pointless.

 

But when the doctor opened the door to Phil’s room, Dan broke down.

 

He fell by the bed, tears running down his face seeing Phil with tubes up his nose and down his throat, hooked up to all these machines that were keeping him alive. The doctor said something about giving the two of them some time but Dan didn’t care enough to listen, taking Phil’s hand as the doctor left.

 

“This is all my fault” Dan sobbed, shaking his head and kissing Phil’s hand over and over again.

 

“How, how could i possibly be so stupid? How could you be so stupid. Don’t tell me you did this because of me, i’m so far from worth it y-you dummy” he cried.

 

“Anyone would be so damn lucky to have you Phil lester” he said shakily, tears running down his cheeks as fast as the rain fell from the sky outside.

 

“I’d be lucky to have you” he said looking up him, leaning up to brush the deep black hair out of his face, smiling through his tears.

 

“Y-you’re so kind and funny, and god if you aren’t the most creative person i’ve ever met in the entire world. You’re imagination runs for miles. I can’t believe i managed to crush the happiest person alive.” he said then cried into the bed once he realized he’d said ‘alive’, something that everyone knew might not always be a true thing.

 

He leaned up and inward, holding his ear right next to Phil’s ear.

 

“I love you. How was i ever so ashamed to say that, there is nothing about you i should’ve ever been ashamed about. I could’ve told you, i should’ve told you before.. B-before” Dan stuttered before sobbing next to Phil into the bed.

 

“What have i done.” was all he could say before burying his head in the bed Phil laid on, not planning on moving once and soon enough falling asleep in that same exact position, the question still on his tongue and Phil’s hand still under his.

 

In a perfect world like a movie this is when Phil would’ve woken up they would’ve talked and made up and lived happily ever after, but the truth is this wasn’t a perfect world. In all honesty what happened throughout Dan’s life after this day could be called a miracle, most people don’t get very far when they don’t take chances, but Dan was one of the few who learned. 

 

Before falling into a deep sleep Dan wished that if Phil didn’t wake up the next morning, then Dan wouldn’t either.

  
_ Now that Dan knows what happens when you don’t take the chance he- _


	10. What happens when you take a chance (part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally takes his chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took like forever deciding exactly how i'd end this, i kinda wanted to go all dark and just make him die but this was to love themed to make it have a bad ending, so as promised here is your happy ending.
> 
> I hope it wasn't super cheesy, but it had a real message to it that i wanted to get across. I see friends of mine every day passing things up cause they're so scared of admitting who they are or scared of failing or even scared of succeeding that they mess themselves up by not even going for it, so please, promise me by reading this that if you ever have an opportunity whether it be something or someone you're interesting it, just go for it, put yourself on the line and take that chance cause knowing what happens when you do is a lot better then having to find out what happens when you don't take it.
> 
> Okay motivational speech over. This was the last chapter so i really hope you like it! (there will be a bonus chp/epilogue so calling this the last chapter sounds like i'm lying lmao)
> 
> I am making a new fanfic (yes it'll be dan and phil) so look out for it it's really cool and actually even more depressing then this one if that's even possible.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> Playlist for the fanfic ^ i won't be updating it anymore so thanks to anyone who listened/followed it. I will be making a playlist like so for any ff i write sooooo yup.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who supported me while making this, every single comment i got motivated me to keep writing so thank you guys so much. I'm gonna stop talking now it's getting cheesy, anyways eNjOY

_ Now that Dan knows what happens when you don’t take a chance he  _ promises he will.

 

Dan opened his eyes and looked around. What happened last night? His head hurt really badly, and no memories were easily coming to mind. He sat up and looked around. Wait. He was in his room. Who took him home last night? The last thing he remembered was being at the hospital. 

 

The hospital. 

 

He might’ve gone home the more he thought about it, but something didn’t seem right. He remembered falling asleep on the bed next to Phil, maybe one of Phil’s family members had been called and had driven him home. He shot up out of his bed and rushed around the room, sliding some pajama pants on before running out of the room and into Phil’s room, and to his surprise, Phil was there.

 

“Do these lights look good here?” Phil asked, standing on a chair in his room hanging lights on the ceiling right above his bed. Dan was in shock. Phil was okay? He wasn’t in the hospital? And somewhere in the back of his mind Dan remembered that Phil had already put those lights up, but looking at the open box on his dresser it looked like he’d just bought them. 

 

“Uhh” Dan said still in shock but for some reason didn’t want Phil worried and asking him any questions.

 

“Yeah they do.” he answered, thinking about everything in the world besides the lights on the ceiling, but Phil seemed pretty curious about how they looked to him.

 

“I don’t know.. I’m not sure i like them but i’m too lazy to put them up anywhere else right now” he said laughing a bit then stepping off the chair and shrugging, looking at them, still obviously not satisfied with the way they looked.

 

“Sorry for dragging you to the mall with me yesterday. I just had like this huge random urge to redecorate and add some splash of new to it.” he said and Dan almost did a backflip in surprise. The mall? Redecorating? Those things were the least of his problems but soon he realized that all of this happened months ago at this point. He needed normal and he needed it now.

 

“Uhm yeah no problem. Hey gimme a second i’m gonna call Lucy” he said, feeling almost a little comical. Of course he had no romantic feelings to her or even liked her per say, but again he needed normal, and even though they broke up he still needed that reassurance. He pulled out his phone not noticing Phil’s confusion 

 

“Who’s Lucy?” Phil asked and Dan could practically feel his heart stopping. What did Phil mean who was Lucy? She was.. wasn’t real. The more Dan thought about the so called life he’d been living for the past few months the more he realized how fuzzy, fast and fake everything had been, and then it hit him. It was a dream. The Lucy, Liam, dating and the.. The suicide. Everything had been a dream. He felt like crying, his whole world had been turned upside down in just one dream that he’d honestly thought was a reality for him, and he had no idea what to do. He thought of yesterday, the real yesterday. Phil had woken up and had wanted to redecorate so the two of them went to the mall and bought a bunch of stuff for Phil’s room, even a bit of clothes, but the more he thought about it the more he realized yesterday involved nothing even close to finding Phil almost dead and rushing him to a hospital, then waiting for an hour to learn that there was almost no chance of Phil really waking up.

 

“I don’t know” Dan said looking up, almost exploding at the thought. Phil wasn’t hurt, none of anything he’d done ever happened. He still had a chance

 

_ He still had a chance _

 

Dan smiled. He hadn’t smiled like that in what felt like months, but now he couldn’t stop. It’d all been some dream. Phil still looked a little confused but he laughed it off and shook his head.

 

“Okay then, you wanna go have breakfast?” Phil asked and Dan shook his head a little.

 

“I uh.. I can’t actually. I’m sorry, i have to do something for a Youtube video” Dan lied before bolting, on his way out noticing how sad Phil looked. All the depression was building up now and Dan could feel it on Phil, it was slow and dull but he could feel it. So maybe all that he dreamed of could’ve really happened.

 

He ran into his room and thought, what could he do. There was no way in the world he’d let any of that happen again. He was going to make this happen the way he really wanted this time, rather then just letting someone control him, but this wasn’t going to be some dumb confession of love, no, if Dan was going to do this he was going to do it right.

 

Dan got on his computer and started making lists, going through plans of the most romantic things he could do tonight, until it hit him. Dan had the perfect plan.

 

Half way through planning it he stopped. He needed to think about this in a rational way. In real life, 24 hours ago he was against everything he was about to do, he hated being who he was and he didn’t even consider admitting his love for Phil to himself, years of burying his feelings, then suddenly he has a dream and it’s all better. It worried him to some extent, what if he went back and started feeling his old self again, then hurting Phil, but that dream wasn’t just a dream. It was something that proved to him his old self wasn’t even him, it was a ghost being controlled by someone who wasn’t around anymore and that was just a sick fact.

 

What Dan wanted to do wasn’t going to be over dramatically romantic, no, but it’d be symbolic and it’d really mean something to him, and he hoped it’d mean something to Phil when the time came.

 

Dan didn’t just want to tell Phil he finally liked him back, he wanted to make Phil know how special he actually was, and he wasn’t going to over extend the ugly truth tonight about how it all went back to the abuse he endured as a kid (mostly emotional) for having homosexual thoughts or feelings, so he felt the need to bury them. All that could be saved for another night, cause even though it messed Dan up he felt like bringing that up would be like using it as an excuse as for why he didn’t show his love for Phil back all this time, but it wasn’t an excuse Dan was a grown man and by this point in his life he should’ve been giving effort to work past any emotional damage left. That one part he really meant ‘love Phil back all this time’, he’d loved Phil for long, and he was sure Phil had loved him back for long as well. A small part of Dan almost wished that it’d all been a dream, and he could go back in time and tell Phil he loved him the very first day he felt it, he wished he could’ve kissed him on that manchester eye and not freak out about it after or totally retaliate and backtrack, cause the truth was Dan had really wanted to kiss Phil that day, and that night and pretty much every day so forth.

 

So no, this wasn’t going to be just some mentioning of feelings, this was going to be big. Dan had pretended to not love Phil for far too long, and the fact that his dream could’ve so easily been a reality hurt his chest almost as badly as it did when he looked at Phil in the dream at the hospital, all hooked to the machine. This was something he needed to do.

 

He walked out of his bedroom then into the living room, noticing how long he’d taken to plan all of this seeing Phil on the couch on his computer, it already noon.

 

“Hey” he said getting Phil’s attention but not enough to make him look away from the computer screen.

 

“So, i was thinking. Why don’t we go out today?” Dan asked making Phil look up a bit, confusion stirring on his face.

 

“Where?” he asked curiously

 

“You let me worry about that. Come on, go get ready and let’s just go out and.. Have some fun” he said smiling, sort of surprising Phil more seeing as Dan was going out of his way to not tell Phil where they were going. He got up, hesitantly agreeing to go with him then left and went into his bedroom to go and get ready.

 

Dan had planned a nice evening, a great normal date of going to the movies then going out to eat.. He wanted to make this a mix of fun and special, and he was really understanding just how to do that.

 

So they went out, and had an amazing time like they were always supposed to do. Dan couldn’t remember anything about the movie to the present day, or what they joked about during dinner, or what they ate. All Dan remembered was how amazing Phil had looked that day, and the internal feeling of honestly finally being okay with not only being with Phil in a way more intimate then friendship, but also being okay with himself and who he was as a person, which is something he’d never experienced before.

 

Dan payed for the dinner that night and left with Phil, walking out into the night with his best friend, his mate by his side. He hadn’t done anything that showed signs of what he’d been planning yet, cause in all honesty he was fairly nervous, but he stayed walking by Phil not caring where they went or why, he just knew walking besides Phil was the safest feeling in the entire world, and he wouldn’t trade it for a thing. He let his hand fall after brushing hair out of his face, slipping down and tangling itself in with Phil’s hand making him blush softly as they walked.

 

Soon Dan looked up at their surroundings from where they’d been walking and smiled. They were at a park, it looked maybe a little old and kind of small like no one used it anymore, only consisting of some swings and a few benches, all the surrounding grass was overgrown and blowing in the wind. It felt familiar, but Dan knew he’d never seen this place before in his life. He walked forward, letting Phil follow hand in hand, soon breaking apart so Dan could sit himself up on the swing on the left, a smile on both of their faces.

 

“Did you take me here on purpose?” Phil asked curiously as he sat himself up on the right swing, his body softly swinging a rhythm as Dan shook his head.

 

“Nope, but it was pretty so i thought we’d stop here before we go home” he said, Phil nodding his head and letting his head fall back, looking up at the night sky and at the stars that seemed to light up the sky like no ones business.

 

“It’s beautiful” Phil almost breathed out, the stars in the sky reflecting on his ocean blue eyes making them glow almost.

 

“You’re beautiful” Dan said, mesmerized by how Phil’s pale skin shined off the light the moon gave, making him look strikingly gorgeous. A hot red tingle bled across Phil’s cheeks and neck, looking away and smiling with a small head shake trying his best to shake it off, that being his usual response to Dan’s all night not-so-subtle flirting which was driving Phil insane in the good way.  

 

“I mean it, Phil. I mean every word i’ve said tonight. You’re beautiful, and i can’t believe i didn’t say it before” Dan said making Phil frown a little, looking at him slightly confused but that didn’t stop his heart from beating faster then it ever had before.

 

“What do you mean?” he asked, tilting his head softly.

 

“I had a bad dream last night” Dan said, it sounding like he was changing the subject but it was really just the answer to his question.

 

“Oh? What was it about” Phil asked, letting his hands grab the sides of the swing in hopes to move with the wind a little.

 

“I lost you, in the dream, but not in the way you’d think or maybe not even in the way i did lose you. I just.. I never did something. I forgot to do something and tell you something really important in the dream, and i fear i may have forgotten to tell you in real life as well” he said, truly getting Phil’s attention now. Dan had never seemed so serious in his life, the last time he was this serious about something was when what came to be known as the ‘v-day video’ got released on accident, so Phil knew this wasn’t just something to hear, this was something to listen to.

 

“Well.. what was it?” Phil asked, putting his feet on the ground to stop the soft swaying he once initiated.

 

“It was that.. I uhm…”

 

He paused.

 

“I’m in love with you. I-i’ve always been in love with you Phil, from the moment i first saw you on youtube and so on i’ve been in love with you and i have no excuse as to why i never came out and just told you besides just being so.. so scared. Scared of who i am and scared of who we’d be together, but i can’t do it anymore i can’t be scared anymore. In my dream i realized the most important thing i could ever realize and it’s that if i spend my whole life being scared t-then i’ll never take that chance, the chance i’m taking right now and i’m doing it by telling you, Phil Lester, from the bottom of my heart, i am in love with you”

 

Dan wasn’t sure what he was expecting after that, and time seemed to move so slow now, he wasn’t sure how Phil was going to react he was just waiting for something to happen, but then Phil smiled.

 

_ That smile. _

 

That night there was a lot of questions answered, and a lot of more smiles and glowing hearts. In the end Dan and Phil were finally where they were supposed to be, curled up together sleeping in Phil’s room, and so that’s where we’ll end this story, so much happier then where we began.

 

Dan had fallen asleep already, but Phil was still wide awake, analyzing his decor choices before deciding once and for all.

 

The new twinkle lights strung across his ceiling looked better in the dark.

  
And for once in their lives neither Phil nor Dan had any questions, and Dan now knew that he would be okay living his entire life never knowing what would have actually happened if he’d never taken that chance.


	11. What happens when the story is over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue of the story :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO okay the stories officially over. Oka now i'm kinda sad i sorta loved writing this at like 4 in the morning then posting it and seeing all the comments from people that loved it and i CANT thank you guys enough, i know it wasn't a huge amount of people but it makes me so proud that anyone can read my writing and it can really effect people the way amazing stories effect me, so thank you guys so much.
> 
> I am going to be posting another story soon (it won't be anything like this one but that's the only spoilers your getting) so if you're interested in reading more of my writing keep an eye out for that, i'd love for people to read it as well.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/2xWS7BuOTUrZ6SlUc23wLj  
> IF you reread this or your having someone else read it or reading it for the first time please do so while listening to this you don't have to have an account or follow it just listen it really adds to the whole experience of it and all of the songs inspired me to right so i really want to give it some recognition cause if you like this or any of my writing you can pretty much always thank the music for it.
> 
> So yeah i really hope you guys enjoyed this story, this was just kind of an epilogue of the story, it takes place in between 6 and 7 years into the future where Dan and Phil own a house and have a dog and an adopted daughter, and i tried to lay back on the cheese of the cheesiness that i can stoop to so just read this and i hope you love it. I loved writing this so much, thank you for reading! i'll stop talking now <3

Blurry eyes flickered open, vision going in and out of focus not being able to really see what was in front of him, only feeling the cold skin pressed against his arms that were bracing him, making it easy to rest on the bed in front of him while sitting on his legs against the hard floor. Where was he? What was happening?

 

Nothing felt right, he was having a hard time finding out what was happening, his body desperately fighting off the sleep that was pulling him in over and over like a clingy coma. The light in the room was intense, it made his eyes regret every time they opened and reconsider going back to sleep, but curiosity got the best of him. Nothing seemed out of place despite the soft questions running in and out of his head, until the smell hit him. It started off slow, but soon his entire nose filled with chemicals and burning regret, and Dan suddenly felt like hiding.

 

He moved his hands to his eyes, his skin moving away from the cold feeling and now fading and getting used to the temperature of the room. Dan pressed his palms to his eyes and rubbed hard, the itching feeling getting more intense the more he rubbed, so he gave up soon, removing his hands and his mind going to the one thing he always thought of when he first woke up.

 

Where was Phil. He tried to roll over, maybe it was instinct but he just fell and things really started to register. He wasn’t in a bed, he was leaning over a bed and the rest of his body was.. On the ground? He opened his eyes finally, wincing immediately at the bright white light but keeping his eyes open, then looking in front of him and he felt his stomach drop, his face draining white and cold.

 

The memories washed into his essence like a strong wave knocking over a statue out of pressure. He felt a hot burn build up in the back of his throat, a soft spin of dizzy filling his head quickly making Dan want to throw up on the annoyingly repetitive white square tile pattern beneath his sore legs. The bed in front of him, the light blue thin cheap bed with wires weaved in and out of it, the smell of rotting life and strong sweet cleaning supplies, the intense white bleeding off the walls and Dan knew there was only one place he could possibly be. A hospital, but that wasn’t the reason Dan felt his stomach turning inside out, it was the unusually pale arm falling off the bed that looked far too familiar. Phil had always been pale, and it wasn’t about the tone of the skin color, it all came down to the life that was missing from the situation, it was the fact that this soft beautiful hand that was once full of life, connected to the most amazing person in the world was now in front of him, lifeless and looking more like dead weight rather then a limb on a person.

 

He stood.

 

The only thing that could be heard was rustling behind him, soft sniffles every once in a while signalling that some of his family was here and sitting on the waiting chairs behind him, then the constant beep of the monitor connected to Phil, turning a beautiful soul into just another chart on a clipboard, and just a few numbers of health rates. Why was this happening, nothing made sense. Everything in his mind was fuzzier then it’d ever been. Where was Phil? Why were they here again?

 

And for once Dan had no clue as to what was real life.

 

A panic shot through his lungs, and suddenly Dan couldn’t breath. Dan’s breath climbed faster, and so did the heart monitor. What the hell? Was it attached to Dan? The faster he panted the faster the monitor went but soon the monitor stopped and mustered up one last long beep making Dan’s chest drop to his stomach. He heard sudden sobs from behind him, yelling in the background and commotion as doctors ran in the room yelling something that Dan couldn’t process anymore, and the last thing Dan saw before he fell to the floor once again was the beautifully carved statue like face of the man he loved more then life itself. Then things were black.

 

“No!” Dan yelled, gasping and shooting up from his position, his heart racing at an alarming speed and feeling more movement next to him rustling in a familiar bed he was it that made Dan want to melt with relief.

 

“Dan, dan what’s wrong?” Phil said, startled by Dan’s random outburst in the middle of the night. He put a hand on Dan’s back and rubbed softly, trying to calm him down and doing a better job then intended. Phil’s hand was so warm, nothing like it’d been in the dream, and that made tears build up in Dan’s eyes.

 

“I-i’m fine. I’m sorry, i just had an awful dream that’s all” Dan said, sighing softly and being more thankful then ever as he looked around the room he knew and loved. Phil gave a concerned look before scooting closer, putting an arm around Dan and cuddling into him.

 

“Tell me what it was about” Phil said, knowing talking about it always made Dan better when he had bad dreams, which weren’t often but every once in awhile they happened.

 

“I uhm, man it’s hard to explain” Dan said pinching the bridge of his nose together as if he had a headache.

 

“I had this super awful dream like.. Oh god what was it like 6 years ago? 7? I don’t know, but it was the worst, i think i’ve told you about it before, you almost died in it but i woke up before i ever really found out” Dan explained, Phil nodding in remembrance at that.

 

“Yeah i remember some of it, you never went into like super detail though” He said thinking about it a bit.

 

“Well.. i swear it’s like this was a continuation of the dream. It was the same hospital and the same bed and i woke up right next to you again, and.. And..” Dan said, his breathing getting a bit more rough.

 

“And what?” Phil asked, rubbing Dan’s back again seeing how nervous and sad he looked talking about the dream.

 

“And you didn’t wake up” Dan finished, looking over into Phil’s eyes with tears in his. Phil’s expression melted a bit then leaning in and hugging Dan close, humming softly.

 

“I’m so sorry Dan, it’s all okay” Phil said, comforting Dan as much as he could trying to really imagine having a dream about Dan dying and wincing at the thought.

 

“Hey it’s all okay, i promise. I’m here, we’re all okay” Phil said, breaking the hug and leaning back with a smile on his face, Dan easily returning said smile.

 

“I know. I just, i hated that dream the first time i had it, and i was really fine never knowing how it ended but now that i do.. I’m not really sure what it changes. I guess, even though i know my mind can’t predict the ‘what if’, it can still get pretty close and to know that might be pretty close, to know that all of that could’ve easily happened. I don’t know it just scares me that’s all” Dan said and Phil smiled and rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh come on now don’t get all existential on me. Look maybe the dream had a sure lesson to it, but you really don’t know if any of that could’ve happened, and maybe it’s for the best that you don’t” Phil said and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah i guess you’re right” he said and Phil chuckled softly.

 

“I know i am. Hey it’s about time we should get up anyways, she’s gonna be late” Phil said getting out of bed making Dan groan.

 

“Ugh you mean i have to leave my comfy bed?” he said making Phil laugh as he got ready in the room, putting on something suitable for leaving the house.

 

“You can stay if you want, i don’t mind taking her” Phil offered and Dan got up out of bed.

 

“No no it’s fine, i don’t mind doing it i was just kidding. Plus i promised i’d make her lunch today” he said making Phil frown and laugh a little in confusion

 

“Well what’s wrong with how i make it?” Phil said acting offended.

 

“Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Gonna have to try harder then that bro” Dan joked and Phil just laughed, rolling his eyes as Dan checked the time on his phone.

 

“Oh shit balls it’s 8:30, i hate that this damn preschool is so far away” Dan complained, Phil’s actions getting quicker when he announced the time.

 

“You got her an outfit?” Dan asked then being tossed some clothes. He took a second to look over at the white shirt with a black pocket on it, a black hair bow and a black skirt.

 

“Oh my god Phil it’s finally happened. We have an aesthetic child” he said making both of them laugh. Dan grabbed the outfit then took it as his job to go wake her up. He crept around the two story house until quietly getting into her room then turning on the lamp next to the bed.

 

He smiled, looking at her pale skin, black long hair and freckled face, watching her sleeping softly before brushing the hair out of her face. He felt a presence in the room come up behind him and knew it was Phil, a reassuring hand placed on his shoulder, rubbing softly as he leaned down and kissed Dan’s cheek.

 

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Kinda hard to wake her up she looks so happy sleeping” Phil said peacefully making Dan silently laugh a bit.

 

“That might not be a good thing, we’re turning her into a happy procrastinator what have we done” Dan joked, Phil smiling and shaking his head in response.

 

“Look at that, she’s got those dimples. It’s hard to believe she didn’t actually come from you” Phil said as she smiled in her sleep, obviously dreaming about something nice.

 

“Well she’s got that big imagination, and those big ocean blue eyes like you. She’s ours, there’s no denying it. Blood doesn’t make family, right?” Dan said a little jokingly but seeming a little sad in that remark, thinking about his actual blood family and how after finding out about him and Phil through the internet since #phanisreal was trending for about two months straight, he was completely cut off from anyone from his family. Phil smiled then kissed Dan softly, ruffling his hair a bit after.

 

“No, blood doesn’t make family. It’s not about the DNA, it’s about who’s there.” He said then making a startled look as his phone suddenly buzzed in his pocket, bringing it out to check it then soon widening his eyes.

 

“Oh no we’re gonna be late. Is that a bad thing?” Phil asked, looking a little worried,

 

“Well i don’t know. Can you get in trouble for being late to preschool?” Dan asked, Phil shrugging a bit in response, then looking back at her.

 

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe we should just let her miss. We could watch Winnie the pooh again, it’s only like her favorite thing to do in the world, don’t let the internet get ahold of that the cuteness will send people to the hospital, and plus it’s going to rain.” Phil said pouting a little, feeling like he’d miss her during the day making Dan smile.

 

“We did that yesterday, but nice try. Plus she made that little friend in class, we can’t have them forgetting about her then moving onto another kid and becoming best lifelong friends with them and she’ll resent us for it her entire life then become a stripper and marry some pimp and spend her days living in a crack house selling it for a dime on the streets and-”

 

“Okay okay school it is then” Phil said, cutting Dan off since he knew the panic of her getting hurt to Dan was severe sometimes, but it didn’t take much to calm him down. Before Dan had time to answer he felt a softness nuzzle up against the side of his leg, getting his attention then making him smile.

 

“Hey, we better wake her up now before the wrath of Link licks her to death” Dan said laughing a bit, looking at the fluffy black and white dog nuzzling him, Phil smiling at the dog to.

 

“Yeah you’re right.”

 

Life was what they’d always wanted to be, and even with the dreams Dan had he could still learn the lesson loud and clear, and it all went down to the moment he went to sleep that day, and woke up a different person. He realized something he hadn’t before, and it was that he didn’t want to find out what would happen if he didn’t take a chance, no, he wanted to find out what would happen if he did.

 

Dan put a hand on her shoulder and shook softly, waking her up at the sudden movement.

 

“Wendy, love, it’s time to wake up.”

 

_Now that Dan and Phil know what happens when the story is over, they can say without a doubt there isn’t one thing they’d change about the way things happened._

 


End file.
